


Gazing

by Myka



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-02
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 12:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 36,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myka/pseuds/Myka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius takes an interest in a lonely Remus during their third year and decides he is to be the next Marauder, but James isn't too enthusiastic with the idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. from afar

Sirius Black had never been so perplexed by anyone before. It wasn’t until he was thirteen that someone caught his eye and it was quite surprising for him to feel such interest for someone he didn’t know personally.

It wasn’t until his best friend, James Potter, addressed the matter that Sirius discovered he had been paying such close attention to that person.

“Hey, Sirius don’t you think that Lupin kid is a little unusual?”

“Unusual?” Sirius blinked idly. “I wouldn’t call him unusual, he’s more interesting than unusual, I think.”

“But don’t you think it’s odd, how he disappears every month and how he hasn’t made any friends?”

Sirius looked at James for a moment pondering this, then turned his gaze again toward the brunette a few seats behind. “Then maybe it’s time someone goes ahead and befriends him,” Sirius spoke softly as he pushed back a few strands of hair from his face.

“Are you sure that’s a wise choice?” James asked back. “You don’t want to damage our reputation, do you?”

“I seriously doubt that will happen,” Sirius retorted confidently. “Besides, doesn’t he call your attention? Like there’s something about him you just want to get to know?”

James blinked, letting a small frown form on his face. “You sound like someone with a crush, Sirius.”

Sirius blinked. “Eh?” Then he smiled. “That’s a little too much, James,” he replied calmly, letting his gaze fall once more upon a lonely Remus Lupin who was eating his meal alone. He sighed a bit, then thought to himself: _‘But you just might be right.’_

\-----------------

“Sirius,” James spoke, he poked at his desert and rested his chin on his palm. “We still have over twenty minutes before first period. It's boring just sitting here. What should we do?”

Sirius turned toward his friend with a thoughtful look in his grey eyes. “I've been thinking, James,” he said seriously. “It's only been you and me for the past two years, right?”

James frowned slightly, not understanding the change of subject. “So?”

“So, if we want a gang, we need more people, don't you think?” Sirius finished, turning his eyes away from James.

James blinked. “More people?” he asked, confused. He frowned a bit more then looked in the direction of Sirius's gaze. “No way, Sirius!” he almost yelled, catching a few eyes from his fellow students. He got closer to Sirius and lowered his voice. “Lupin? You have to be kidding, Sirius. He's a loner and a bookworm; he can't possibly become a Marauder!”

“Aww, calm down, James. It's not like I'm just going to walk up to him, and bingo, he's our best friend.”

James frowned even more. “What are you planning, Sirius?” he asked in a grim tone. “You have a weird look on your face.”

Sirius just grinned. “If Remus Lupin ever wants to be a Marauder, my dear James, he has to pass my test.”

“Test?” James replied, raising an eyebrow. Sirius just nodded, then stood up, his eyes going directly to Remus. James rolled his eyes. He had been noticing this little 'obsession' of Sirius's for a few days now. James knew there was no talking to Sirius about something once he had made up his mind about it. “Just make sure you don't get one of us expelled in the process.”

Sirius smiled now that he had 'permission' to pursue this. “See you in class, James.” Sirius waved at his friend and started walking toward his goal:

Remus J. Lupin.

\-------------------

Remus beat at his food with his fork, not really wanting to eat it. This was his second year at Hogwarts, and he hated being so alone. It didn’t help that he was as shy as he could possibly be, but added to that he had come in late after everyone had already made their little groups of friends which once added to his quiet reclusive nature left Remus utterly lonely. He had his acquaintances, but none ever that stayed around for long; when a semester ended, it was like parting ways. Which led him to now; two weeks into his third year and he was quite miserable.

He chewed some of his meal then put the fork aside, sighing deeply. He had the sudden feeling of eyes upon him and he turned his head to the side to find Sirius Black looking his way. His eyes widened a bit, then he quickly turned away, feeling some blood going to his cheeks. He shook his head and stared at his plate.

It wasn’t the first time that this had happened, that he had discovered that Black kid just gazing at him. Sometimes Remus worried. Sirius Black had a reputation for being a trouble-maker. What if Sirius wished to make a mark out of him?

Because that’s the last thing he needed to make his life officially miserable… a bully.

He stared at his plate long and hard, then eventually pushed it aside, not feeling hungry anymore. He almost stood and left the Great Hall, but thought better of it and remained there. He would have gone to the library until first period started, but he just wasn’t in the mood to have the librarian look at him with pity, he hated that.

People around him moved and left, but Remus just stayed put, wishing the bell would just ring already. Someone sat beside him and poked his arm. Remus turned and stared, his eyes going wide, a little fear falling over them.

“It’s Remus, isn’t it?” Sirius asked with a hint of a grin to his lips.

Remus could only nod, his worst fear realized.

He swallowed hard as he stared into Sirius’s grinning face, wishing with all his might for the other boy to leave.

‘Why me?’ Remus asked himself. ‘And why Sirius Black, of all people?’ His reputation preceded him, rowdy, liking to be the center of attention, and Remus couldn’t afford that. What he needed were quiet friends, friends that would not wonder why he went missing once a month. Sirius Black would notice, Remus just knew it.

“Yes,” he answered softly at Sirius’s query. Sirius’s grin got even wider as he sat beside Remus. For a second Remus had the urge to bolt, but he forced his feet to stay still and his butt to stay glued to the chair.

“You’re a third year, right?” was Sirius’s next question, and Remus nodded. “What class are you taking next?”

“Um,” Remus muttered, “Defense against the Dark Arts.”

“Really?” Sirius smiled. “Me too! I don’t remember seeing you there, though.”

Remus lowered his eyes and looked at his watch. Five minutes until the class started. “I tend to sit in the corner in the back.”

“Well, that doesn’t work,” Sirius replied in a low voice.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, nothing,” Sirius said with a grin.

Remus went back to staring at his plate, his fingers shifting nervously underneath the table where Sirius couldn’t see them. He was thinking up rational excuses to excuse himself when the bell rang, and Remus, without even glancing at Sirius, picked up his bag, stood, and left. He walked out of the dining room and down the hall. Halfway along the corridor, he glanced back and spotted the top of Sirius’s head as he made his way through the mass of students and avoided a few girls that crossed his path. The boy was tall for his age, and Remus had yet to have his growth spurt. The classroom was already half full when he finally got there, and he quickly headed toward his usual spot, but before he could put his bag down a hand snatched his shoulder.

“Remus! I thought we were going to the class together, didn’t you see me following you?” Sirius asked hastily.

Remus stood there quietly for a second, then frowned. “Yes, I saw you,” he answered bluntly. Someone did say that honesty was the best policy, and if this once it could get Sirius Black off his back, then so be it.

Sirius blinked, then just stared, totally speechless. Remus stared back with a glare. “Remus,” he began, trying to fix the crumbling situation. He knew that if he left now, this boy would never speak to him again, would never be his friend, no matter what. Sirius did not want that, he knew from the small pang he felt at the pit of his stomach. For some strange reason still unknown to him, he wanted Remus as a friend.

“Listen,” Remus shot back, “I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, and to be honest the rumors I’ve heard about you are not very flattering.”

Sirius frowned, meeting the shorter boy’s gaze. “Calm down, mate,” he replied hastily. “I just thought that maybe you’d like to hang out sometime, have some fun.” Remus looked away for a second and Sirius felt the urge to rest his hand on the brunette’s shoulder, but he thought better of it. Physical contact could be the last intrusion that would send Remus running.

There was silence, and Remus still looked away, apparently lost in thought. Sirius waited patiently, noticing how Remus’s hair seemed to get paler in some corners, almost as if they were graying… His eyes must be playing a trick on him.

“Okay.”

Sirius blinked. Remus was now looking at him with honey eyes. Then a big grin formed slowly on his face as he registered what Remus had just said. “Perfect!” he exclaimed happily. ‘Yes!’ Sirius’s stomach did a happy flip. This was him; instinct told him that Remus was it. For a long time now Sirius was hoping to expand his and James’s little club, but the right person never seemed to exist. They needed someone with brains; someone their age, preferably from their own house; someone who would not rat them out. When Sirius had first laid eyes on Remus as they were boarding the Hogwarts express, his inner voice had gone all happy and said, _‘That one! That’s the one you want,’_ and he trusted his instincts.

Sirius grabbed Remus’s wrist and pulled him away, the grin never leaving his face.

“Oi! Where are we going?” Remus yelped as he was being dragged away from his usual spot, barely having time to grab his books.

“To sit with James, of course,” Sirius said happily, as if that explained everything.

Remus couldn’t help feeling a little agitated at the notion, but he allowed himself to be dragged nonetheless. Sirius pulled him across the entire classroom, gaining everyone’s attention in the process and earning them a whistle or two, which provoked Remus’s cheeks to burn. It felt like forever, but Sirius finally stopped on the opposite end of the room, and Remus spotted another boy, the one who always hung around Sirius, the one with the ruffled hair and the glasses:

James Potter; prankster extraordinaire.


	2. friendship?

"Oh, crap," Remus thought to himself as he stood in front of the two boys, books in hand. Sirius was at James’s side, claiming the boy’s attention and pointing, glee apparent on his face, at Remus, causing Remus to feel as if he was being judged. James seemed to roll his eyes at Sirius, but he remained silent.

"Remus is going to sit with us, James," Sirius said cheerfully. James just shrugged, so Sirius sat on James’s left and invited Remus on his own left, which Remus did. Remus couldn’t help feeling that every eye in the classroom was on him, noting the fact that he was sitting beside Sirius Black. Sirius was popular; Remus was not. He felt as if he wasn’t supposed to be there.

After Defense against the Dark Arts they had Transfiguration, and Sirius again pulled Remus from his usual corner and dragged him to where he and James sat. Sirius had started saying something that Remus wasn’t following about Quidditch when the murmur in the classroom died, announcing the entrance of professor McGonagall.

She stopped at the front of the class as she always did and quickly surveyed the room with her eyes; that, too, was a custom. "Has anyone seen Mr. Lupin? He’s not in his-" But McGonagall was cut of by Sirius waving one hand around and pointing at Remus with the other.

"He’s here, professor," Sirius said chirpily. "I just wanted Remus to sit with us today. He can change seats, can’t he?"

McGonagall gave the grinning boy a fleeting glance then turned to Remus. "Are you satisfied with this new arrangement, Mr. Lupin?"

Remus cursed his reddening cheeks. He hated being the center of attention, felt that if people stared hard enough they would see right through him, discover what he was. "I’m fine, professor," he answered awkwardly, avoiding her eyes. McGonagall gave Remus a small nod then started the class.

That afternoon’s Transfiguration class was hell for Remus. Sirius kept whispering silly comments in his ear during the entire class, and more than once Professor McGonagall had to call their attention. Remus tried to avoid Sirius once the class had ended, but Sirius insisted he sat with him on every class they shared after that. Once or twice Sirius would say something funny and Remus would laugh, but he just wasn’t used to the constant company. It was a big relief that last period Muggle Studies (a class his mother had forced him to take) was Sirius- and James-free. Not that James bothered Remus, exactly; the only thing the boy had done was slightly glare at him.

After Muggle Studies, Remus followed his usual routine and headed toward the library. There it was nice and quiet and one-hundred-percent Sirius-free. He walked down the hall, hugging a book to his chest, and he was ten feet away from the library’s entrance when he heard his name being shouted.

"Remus!" Sirius was bellowing down the hall at the top of his lungs.

Remus’s eyes widened. Everyone in the hall was staring at Sirius as if he had grown a third eye, but Sirius just ignored the stares and kept screaming Remus’s name all the way down the corridor. Remus couldn’t take it anymore and rushed to meet Sirius half way. "Lower your voice!" he hissed after he had reached him. "Everyone’s starring at you!"

"So?" Sirius blinked happily.

"I don’t like it!" Remus replied earnestly.

The look on Sirius’s face changed slightly, but he didn’t add anything to the comment. "Where were you going?" he asked.

"Library," Remus answered quickly.

"The library? That’s boring!"

"Excuse me for liking to read, Mr. Black."

Sirius ignored the sarcasm. "Can’t you give it up for tonight? There’s something better I want to show you."

"Show me?" Remus frowned. "Ah, I don’t know, Sirius."

But Sirius wasn’t hearing any of it. He grabbed Remus’s book from his hands, put an arm around his shoulders and dragged him far, far away from the safety of the library. They spent the rest of the afternoon together, and much to Remus’s dismay he grew less and less reluctant to Sirius’s presence. At dinner Sirius talked to him as if they were old friends, ranting about how much he hated some Slytherins, especially one by the name of Snivellus or something like that. James, on the other hand, ignored Remus completely and more than once Remus could have sworn the boy was glaring at him. After dinner, Remus tried to head back to the library to get some actual homework done, but Sirius was having none of it and kept Remus entertained for most of the evening in the Gryffindor common room.

"Sirius, I really have to do this essay for Muggle Studies," Remus pleaded, already feeling comfortable enough around the other boy to address him so casually.

"Is it due for tomorrow?" Sirius asked.

"Well, no, but-"

"Then you don’t have to do it now," Sirius said happily.

Remus rolled his eyes. In the past few hours that he had spent with Sirius Black, he had come to the distinct conclusion that Sirius avoided homework like the plague, waiting until the last possible minute to do it. And he still hadn’t seen whatever Sirius had to show him, unless it was how to avoid homework, which by now, Remus was pretty sure that that was it. 

"I really have to do this essay," Remus tried again, and Sirius finally gave in.

Remus was silently grateful for Sirius’s silence, and he quickly pulled his ink and blank parchment out of his bag. He really needed to get a head start on this essay, as it was supposed to replace the test he had missed the day after a full moon. He was thinking about how to start the essay when he heard Sirius groan loudly.

"What is it now?" Remus said without thinking.

"I think I left my book bag in the Great Hall," Sirius said with another groan.

"I’ll lend you my books if you need," Remus said.

"My money is in that bag, I need to go get it." Sirius replied with yet another groan.

Remus’s eyes went a bit wide, fearing his next words. "But it’s past curfew. You can’t go outside the common room."

Just as he feared, Sirius only grinned and asked, "So?"

Remus instantly frowned. He was not breaking the rules, not a chance in hell, nope, no way. Sirius’s grinning face was not changing his mind. 

Fifteen minutes later, Remus was pressing his back against a wall in a dark corner, cursing his weak resolve and wishing that Sirius would hurry up. Sirius finally appeared a moment later, book bag in hand, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Can we go back now?" Remus almost pleaded. "We’re not supposed to be here!"

"Calm down, mate. I’ve never been caught, and I don’t plan to start."

They set off on their way back to the common room, Sirius humming happily and trying to make small talk while Remus, expecting to be caught at any second, kept shushing him and looking around every corner. They didn’t see any teachers or prefects along the way. Instead, much to Remus’s horror, Peeves found them.

"Well, if it isn’t Loopy Lupin and Batty Black," the ghost said in his annoyingly squeaky voice. "Out for a walk?" he taunted.

"Shut up, Peeves!" Sirius snapped, but Peeves just grinned, then started screaming.

"Students out past curfew!"

Remus had a moment to comprehend what had just happened. He turned toward Sirius. The hall was empty; Sirius was gone.

He started running toward the Gryffindor common room, not watching his steps very carefully, looking around for any sign of Sirius. He could still hear Peeves’s screams down the hall, making him more alarmed than he already was. All he wanted was to be in the safety of the common room. Right on the next corner; he was almost there. Remus glanced behind him one last time and crashed into something large. The collision caused Remus to fall back until he was sitting on the floor. He then looked upwards to meet the disapproving gaze of Professor McGonagall.

"Remus John Lupin," she said in a very upset voice. "I’ve never-"

Remus felt his face going scarlet. McGonagall was one of the first teachers that accepted his condition, and Remus had much respect for her. Now here he was, sitting on the floor, out of breath and breaking the rules. He stood as quickly as he could and muttered a soft apology.

"What are you doing out of bed at this hour, Mr. Lupin? And I better hear a good explanation, or you’re in a heap of trouble."

Remus swallowed. "I was with-" he started, then changed his mind. "No one, Professor McGonagall. I was studying in an empty classroom and lost track of time." Professor McGonagall seemed to want to say something, but she remained quiet for far longer than Remus liked. Eventually, she spoke.

"Report tomorrow to my office for detention, Mr. Lupin," she said bluntly, "and twenty points from Gryffindor for breaking curfew. Now head back to your common room."

Remus nodded swiftly and rushed down the hall, almost in a run. Detention! When his mother found out, she was going to kill him! Worse, she would probably send a howler! Remus slowed and walked down the hall quietly, dreading his mother’s reaction and cursing Sirius Black’s name. The whole day had probably been just a huge plot to get him in trouble, and Remus had fallen right into it. No more. He would never speak to Sirius again.

"Destino mudo," he said to the portrait of the Fat Lady, who immediately opened the door for him. The Gryffindor common room was vacant, no sign of Sirius anywhere. Remus started on his way to his room, but he stopped abruptly when out of nowhere someone crossed his path, blocking it. Remus released a soft gasp of surprise as he was greeted with the glaring face of James Potter.

As he was standing two steps higher on the stairs than Remus, James stood a good foot taller than the scared boy.

"Hi," Remus muttered softly.

James didn’t respond right away. He just stood very still. Remus swallowed and avoided James’s eyes; the boy was clearly in some sort of bad mood. After a few moments of silence, Remus attempted to walk past James, and that was when the boy opened his mouth.

"Listen, you," he said in a heated voice. "I don’t why Sirius has gotten this recent ‘thing’ for you, but-"

"‘Thing’?" Remus asked.

James just ignored him and continued, "He is my friend, understand? I’m not going to let some bookworm destroy our friendship! So you better watch it!" James turned around and disappeared up the dark flight of stairs.

Remus gulped and shivered a bit. This day couldn’t get any worse now, could it? Wait. He was now behind in his muggle studies essay. Damn it. After a few moments, he followed James’s path, grateful that at least neither Sirius nor James was his roommate.


	3. detention

Sirius was in a bad mood. He’d spent half the morning searching for Remus, but the boy seemed to have gone missing. He wasn’t in Gryffindor Tower, he wasn’t in the Great Hall, and Sirius wasn’t sure if he took first period Divination with Remus at all; it was, after all, an elective class.

He had lost track of Remus the night before after Peeves had discovered them. He could have sworn Remus was behind him. After all, you got discovered, you ran; it was common sense, no? But when Sirius had reached the Gryffindor common room, Remus was nowhere to be seen. So Sirius, never liking to leave anyone behind, turned back to look for him. When he arrived back at the common room twenty minutes later, James was there. Sirius smiled at the sight of his best friend waiting for him. “Did you see Remus?” he said immediately. 

He remembered James just standing there and giving him an odd look. “No, but it’s pretty late. He must be in his room already.” 

Sirius had groaned. He didn’t know what room Remus slept in, and it was pretty late. He could talk with Remus in the morning. 

That had been his plan last night, but now he couldn’t find the brunette anywhere, and it was ticking him off. James, on the other hand, seemed to be in an unusually good mood, planning more pranks than usual. 

Then finally, during second period Transfiguration, he spotted Remus again, sitting in a corner. But this time Sirius didn’t yell out Remus’s name in front of everybody, no. This time he crept up behind him and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy in a friendly bear hug. Remus yelped instantly. 

“Where did you run off to?” said Sirius. “I looked everywhere for you!” He broke the hug, allowing Remus to breathe properly again, then sat by Remus’s left, looking at him. 

Remus fixed his tousled robes and opened his book, not looking at Sirius. 

“Remus?” Sirius wondered after a long pause. 

“That is not your seat,” Remus said in a very calm voice. 

Sirius tilted his head to one side. “Aren’t you going to sit with James and me today?” 

“No, I’m not.” 

“But I thought we had fun yesterday.” 

Remus didn’t answer and slithered a bit farther away from Sirius. The text about transforming beetles into spoons looked very interesting.

“Remus,” Sirius poked him on the shoulder. Remus moved farther away. Sirius poked him on the shoulder again. “Remus! Wasn’t yesterday fun?” 

Remus stared at the words in the book, but Sirius kept poking and poking until he just broke. “Yes, I did! All part of your plot, I assume. Entertain poor, lonely Remus until he trusts you, then just leave him behind so he can get in trouble!” 

Sirius blinked, allowing the words to sink in. “Did someone catch you?” he said. 

“Detention, Sirius!” Remus yelled. “My mother is going to kill me!” 

“Over one detention?” 

“Yes! Now if you’d please just leave me alone, I’d appreciate it.” 

“But don’t you want to sit with-” 

“No!” Remus said, slamming his book shut. “What I want is for you to leave me alone. I don’t want to be your friend.” 

Something shattered deep inside Sirius. He felt a prickle in the corner of his eye. Remus turned his head away and opened his book again, appearing to read it. When Sirius touched his shoulder he flinched, and Sirius took the hand away. 

Then out of Remus’s lips came a miserable, whispered plea. “Just leave me alone, Sirius, please.” 

Sirius’s determination wavered, and then he fled to the other side of the room where James was. 

“What’s wrong, Sirius?” James asked after Sirius had sat down beside him. Sirius opened his mouth, muttered something then closed it again. 

“Could you repeat that?” said James. 

“Remus,” Sirius said in a shaky voice, “Remus got detention because of me, and now he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.” 

“Well, that’s a pity,” James said, and Sirius thought it didn’t sound very truthful but shrug it off anyway. “Just let it go, Sirius. He’s just too much of a bookworm.” 

“Don’t call him that,” Sirius whispered. 

“What?”

“You heard me. Don’t call Remus a bookworm.” 

James opened his mouth for a moment then closed it again. He and Sirius didn’t talk for the rest of the class. 

~~~ 

By lunchtime no one was happy. Remus ignored Sirius’s every attempt to talk to him, and Sirius and James were not speaking at all. Sirius was moping and tended to snap at anyone who asked him something, especially the girls. He had to fix things, first and foremost with James. He wasn’t about to let two years of friendship down the drain. But he would wait, wait and give James some time to cool off. There was another thing he could do first. 

After lunch he searched the castle high and low until he found Professor Urran, the Defense against the Dark Arts teacher and head of Slytherin. The man wasn’t particularly hate-worthy, but he was still from Slytherin, and it didn’t take much for a non-Slytherin to push him over the edge. 

“What do you want, Mr. Black?” Professor Urran said with a croak. 

Sirius just smiled, opened his mouth and said, “You’re an ugly git.” 

~~~ 

James was sitting alone in the Great Hall when Sirius slumped down beside him, grabbed a plate and served himself some dinner. “We need more stink bombs when we go to Hogsmeade next weekend.” James didn’t say anything so Sirius continued, “We also need more acid popsicles to give to the first years.” 

James chuckled. “Don’t forget the blood-flavored lollipops that we can pass as cherry flavored ones,” he said with a grin. 

They laughed together. Just like that, their feud was over. 

Ten minutes later they were talking about the issue at hand. 

“So Remus got detention because of you?” James asked. 

Sirius nodded. 

“And now he’s not talking to you?” 

Sirius nodded again. 

“And you don’t like that?” 

Sirius shook his head. 

“You really do have a crush,” James whispered.

“What?” 

“Nothing,” James countered innocently. “Anyway, do you have any sort of plan on how to approach him?” 

Sirius grinned. James just rolled his eyes. He should have known. 

~~~ 

Remus knocked on McGonagall’s office door at exactly seven o’ clock in the evening and waited until he was asked to come in. He went inside the room and almost froze when he saw that Professor McGonagall wasn’t alone as he had expected. Sirius Black sat facing her from a chair. 

“Please sit down, Mr. Lupin,” said Professor McGonagall in a tired voice as she pointed toward the empty chair beside Sirius. “I don’t think the back of Mr. Black’s head is that interesting.” Remus strode quickly to the chair and sat down, not even sparing a glance at Sirius. “For tonight’s detention,” Professor McGonagall started after Remus had sat down, “I don’t think we need to bother any professors since it’s only the two of you, so you’ll both report to Mr. Filch on the third floor corridor. Let’s make it clear that I don’t wish to see you wandering the halls past curfew again, Mr. Lupin” - Remus lowered his head - “and you, Mr. Black,” she said, turning to Sirius, “I don’t ever want another professor coming to me with a claim that you’ve just insulted him!” Sirius nodded. McGonagall looked at the two boys. “Go on, then,” she ordered. “Try not to end up here again, especially you, Mr. Black.” 

The two boys fled McGonagall’s office with a little rush to their pace and headed quickly out of the vicinity of Gryffindor Tower and down the hall that would take them to the third floor, where McGonagall said they would find Filch.

Remus walked ahead. In a few hours it would all be over. No more detentions, no more Sirius Black, no more threats by Sirius Black’s best friend. Just one hall left. He could see the stairs now. 

“Remus?” 

Remus kept walking. His mother did have that saying: ‘If someone is bothering you, just ignore them.’ And he had already gotten in trouble once because of Sirius; he was not going to be taken for a fool twice. ‘Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’ Wasn’t that what they said? 

“Hey, Remus.” 

Keep walking. 

“Remus. I need to talk to you.”

Just keep walking. 

A firm grip snatched his arm and forced Remus to a halt. Sirius was suddenly in front of him, his face less than a foot away from Remus’s. Remus noticed that Sirius had grey eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said bluntly. 

“You left me behind,” Remus accused, shaking Sirius’s arm off. 

“I thought you were right behind me.” 

“Did you even bother to look if I was?” 

“Er, no.” 

Remus walked off again. He had just finished climbing the stairs to the third floor when Sirius caught up with him again. The taller boy leaned over his shoulder and spoke in his ear while Remus kept walking. “I said I was sorry,” he murmured. 

Remus had to conjure all his strength to ignore the softly spoken words, and then Sirius grabbed his hand and held him back. “I even got myself into detention.”

“McGonagall said you insulted a teacher.” 

“Professor Urran. Walked right up to him and called him an ugly git.” 

Remus suddenly had an odd look on his face, and for a second Sirius feared that Remus didn’t approve of his method. Then suddenly Remus was laughing, so hard that he had to cover his mouth, and soon after Sirius joined him. They laughed at Professor’s Urran’s expense until Filch appeared, cursing under his breath and muttering something about irresponsible students. 

~~~ 

Detention, Remus discovered, was not as awful as everybody claimed it to be, assuming, of course, that one had the right company. Cleaning pots and pans by hand was tiring indeed, but Sirius’s behavior and jokes made up for the labor. As part of their detention, they had to wash one hundred dishes, dry them, and put them on a table where the Hogwarts elves would pick them up later. Sirius washed the dishes then handed them to Remus, who dried them with a piece of cloth and then placed them on the designated table.

“So, how many times have you done this?” Remus asked after they had settled into a comfortable pace of washing and drying. 

“Wash dishes? My mom makes me do it all the time. I think she hates me-” 

Remus let out a soft chuckle. “No,” he said, “I mean detention, on purpose.” 

“Oh,” Sirius grinned, “I usually tend to avoid it most days,” he said jokingly, and Remus laughed heartily. 

“Can’t wait for tomorrow so James can actually meet you,” Sirius said suddenly. “He was angry at me because I ignored him the other day.” 

“Angry?” Remus said in a slightly worried voice. He remembered his encounter with James the night before. 

“A little, but we’re okay now. We cleared things up.” 

Remus thought about telling Sirius about what James had said to him, but didn’t. “My parents will have a riot when they find out I talked to you.” 

“Why?” Sirius asked as he gave Remus another plate to dry. 

“I told them about the time you and James got caught for flying your brooms all over the castle after midnight. I think my mother’s exact words were, ‘That’s very irresponsible. I don’t want you to socialize with boys like that,” he imitated in a motherly voice.

“You’re doing the exact opposite she told you to do!” Sirius laughed. “But really, James and I aren’t that bad. We just like to have fun, sometimes at other people’s expense.” He said the last line with a bit of guilt. “But we never intend to be mean on purpose.” 

Remus looked at him skeptically as Sirius gave him a large pot to dry. Remus carried the pot over to the table with great difficulty, and by the time he returned to Sirius’s side there where two more plates waiting for him. 

“Stupid Muggle water thingies,” Sirius muttered under his breath. “My hair’s getting all wet!” 

Remus laughed. 

“You think that’s funny?” 

“Very,” Remus answered. There was a grin on Sirius’s face, and Remus was still laughing. Sirius took the small pot he’d just cleaned, filled it with some water and threw the contents at Remus, soaking most of his head. 

“Sirius!” bellowed Remus as he stood back, water dripping down his face. 

“Still think it’s funny?” Sirius taunted mischievously. 

Remus glared, pushed Sirius aside as he took the pot from him, let it fill with water and threw it at Sirius before the boy had a chance to stop him. Sirius, with water droplets running down his face, lunged forward. 

It took them an extra hour to finish their task. 

As they walked up to Gryffindor tower, soaked from head to toe, Sirius hummed a song happily and Remus, Remus was convinced that detentions were overrated and that Sirius Black could be his first real friend.


	4. the shack

It took Remus a week to feel comfortable with his new routine. More than once he sat in his usual spot, and Sirius had to come and drag him off across the room to where he and James always sat. 

Remus also would wait in the common room each morning until Sirius, or Sirius and James, would join him. They would have breakfast, talk, take the classes they shared, go to lunch, talk, take the rest of the classes they shared together, have dinner, talk some more, then find something to entertain themselves the rest of the evening or actually try to do their homework. It was almost always the former.

Remus came to enjoy this new routine. It was different. It was nicer. It was so much better than eating alone.

Not that it was perfect in any way.

Remus talked almost exclusively to Sirius, not that he had anything against James. Quite the contrary. Remus knew James was Sirius's best friend; everybody knew that. James just didn't speak to Remus the same way Sirius did. And on the bright side, he wasn't glaring at him anymore and hadn't threatened him again.

But Remus didn't want to think about any of that. Today was the first Hogsmeade visit for the third years, and he was looking forward to it. Today was also the night of the full moon. He assumed he would have no problem with that. His current roommates didn't really check on him during mornings, even less so now that he left to wait for Sirius in the common room. Tonight he would wait until the common room cleared, then sneak out to meet Madam Pomfrey as he always did. A flawless plan.

~~~

Hours later, Remus came to the sound conclusion that he loved Hogsmeade. It was much more entertaining and charming than it had appeared from afar through a window in the Shrieking Shack.

First they stopped at Honeydukes, and each had their fill of chocolate and candy. Then they went to Zonko's, where Remus asked why they were buying so many dungbombs and stink pellets. Sirius simply smiled at him and said that they were 'supplies'. Remus didn't dare to ask again and even bought a couple of each at Sirius's insistence and to satisfy his own curiosity. At noon they found a table in the Three Broomsticks and had two mugs of butterbeer each.

"Want another one?" Sirius asked after gulping down the last of the sweet liquid.

"No way!" said James. "If I drink anymore, I'll blow up." 

"Then what are we supposed to do now?" asked Sirius, probably sounding a little more desperate than he intended. "I'm bored."

"You're always bored," James answered him with a huff. Remus laughed, and Sirius threw him an innocent glare.

"We already visited the best places in Hogsmeade. All that's left is the post, which I don't really care if I see or not, and-" Sirius's mouth stopped in mid-sentence and hung half-open. Both Remus and James stared at him with confusion. Then a little bit of knowledge passed over Sirius's glassy, grey eyes, and he instantly grinned. "That new building," he said, as if he had made the biggest discovery, "the one that mysteriously appeared last year. I've heard rumors from the fourth years that that place is haunted, that they hear ghosts screaming at night, and I even heard that Dumbledore said it's true!"

"The Shrieking Shack, you mean," James said.

"Yes!" said Sirius, almost jumping out of his seat. "We could go check it out- Remus, are you all right? You look a bit pale."

"Fine." Remus nodded. "I think that butterbeer is having its revenge on me."

Sirius's wariness vanished, and he looked back toward James then to Remus once more. "So what do you say? Are we going to the shack?"

"Sounds good to me," said James.

"I actually wouldn't mind seeing the owls," Remus tried, but just one look at Sirius told him that it was pointless. "But if you really want to see that house-"

"Shrieking Shack it is!" Sirius beamed.

~~~

They made their way through the grassy plains and arrived at the Shrieking Shack in almost no time at all. Sirius and James started to investigate the house almost immediately, after a minute's pause to stare at it with their mouths open, seeking a way in. Remus silently thanked Dumbledore for sealing all of the Shrieking Shack's major entrances, which meant every door or opening where Remus could fit after he transformed.

James announced that he would investigate the back while Sirius and Remus tried the front. Remus knew very well that it was highly unlikely that they could gain entrance to the house, but it was still interesting and more than a little entertaining to watch Sirius trying to open the main door with every spell he could remember and failing marvelously.

When Sirius’s mental list of spells ended, he resorted to brute strength, so Remus watched, wide-eyed, as Sirius put a good ten feet between himself and the door then ran the distance as fast as he could and slammed his body against the door. Sirius tumbled backwards onto the ground with a loud thud at the same time that he held his own head with his right hand and muttered a bunch of ouches softly under his breath.

Remus tried hard to suppress his giggles and went to check that Sirius wasn't actually hurt. The dark-haired boy was muttering something about stupid doors and bumps in the head when Remus knelt down beside him. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Don't think so," Sirius said a little too wittily for Remus's taste.

"Let me see," said Remus, trying to pull Sirius's hand away from his head so he could see the bump. 

"No!" Sirius pouted, slapping Remus's hand away.

"Don't be a baby, Sirius, and let me look at it!" snapped Remus in return, leaning forward again, but Sirius was being very stubborn. "Let me see!"

"I said I'm fine!"

"But what if you need to see Madam Pomfrey?

"Oh, right," Sirius muttered sarcastically. "'How did you get that bump on your head?'" he imitated Madam Pomfrey's voice. "'Oh, well, I just thought it would be fun to smash my skull against a door.'"

Remus frowned and snatched Sirius's right wrist in another attempt to see the bump. "Not funny, Sirius, now let me look!"

Sirius shook his head and fell back into the ground, trying to shake Remus away from him and free his wrist. "Who are you to tell me what to do?"

"I thought I was your friend!"

Silence.

Both boys blinked at each other.

Someone cleared their throat nearby.

"When you two are done with the horseplay, I found an entrance," said James, keeping his voice as neutral as possible.

After James spoke, Remus noticed the position Sirius and he had gotten into and what it might look like to James. Sirius lay on the grass, one hand on Remus's chin in an effort to keep him from checking the bump, while Remus lay half-sprawled on top of Sirius's chest. Remus's left hand was holding Sirius's wrist while his right was on top of Sirius's head, looking for the bump.

Remus and Sirius released each other immediately, suddenly feeling very self-conscious, and moved two feet apart while trying to shake the scarlet from their cheeks. Remus was the first to get up, and after swiping the dirt off his clothes, he offered Sirius a hand and helped him up. And when Sirius was shaking the dust off his clothes, Remus saw his chance, and in a quick move of hands he grabbed both sides of Sirius's face, pulled him close, and checked the bump.

"Looks okay," Remus muttered softly, not noticing that Sirius's eyes were quite wide. "No brain damage," he joked as he released Sirius.

Sirius blinked a few times, then looked over at James. "You were saying something about an entrance?" he asked.

"In the back." James's voice was back to normal. "It's a bit small, but I think we can all fit through it if we go one at a time."

They headed around the house. Sirius kept touching the bump on his head lightly, a mad blush covering his cheeks as Remus walked ahead of him, completely clueless, while James, well, James noticed everything.

~~~

The entrance James was speaking of was a small opening, probably created by James himself by pulling one of the planks off the house or, Remus thought, maybe he had caused it during a full moon. At least a werewolf couldn’t fit through there. A teenage boy, on the other hand...

James was the first to slip through the opening. “This is awesome! You guys should get in here!” he yelled once inside.

Sirius followed him without a second thought, and soon he too was exclaiming about the house. “Remus, get in here!”

Remus did not want to go in. What was the point, really? In a few hours he would be back here, and then he would just black out and wake, beaten and bruised, in a corner. He really didn’t want to go in there.

“Remus,” Sirius called again.

“I think I’ll just stay out here.”

Sirius peeked his head through the crack. “Remus! You need to see this! It’s creepy, mate. C’mon, James is already up the stairs.”

Sirius’s head disappeared from the opening, and Remus frowned as he forced himself to go inside the house. The first thing he saw was Sirius checking one of the drawers in a desk that Remus didn’t recall the purpose of. Maybe it was there so that the house could actually resemble a house.

“There sure are a lot cobwebs around,” Sirius commented, and Remus nodded unenthusiastically.

“Get up here!” James yelled from the second floor. “There’s something up here!”

Sirius gave Remus a quick glance then rushed excitedly up the stairs. Remus followed lazily. The room where James stood looked different than the rest of the house. The huge bed in it seemed to be actually kept, for one, and Sirius thought it was less dusty. James was starring at something on the wall.

“What is that?” Sirius, asked touching the markings on the wall.

“Looks like scratch marks,” James said.

“Looks more like claws to me. What do you think made them?”

“Probably a dog,” James rationalized.

“No dog’s that strong.” Sirius examined the marks carefully, grazing them with the tips of his fingers. He remembered something he saw in a book once and just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “Oh! Maybe it was a werewolf!” he said excitedly.

James straightened up and gave Sirius an incredulous look. He didn’t believe that theory one bit.

Sirius forced a laugh. “You’re right, if a werewolf was around here they would have killed it by now. They can’t leave something like that running around.”

James shrugged, then glanced outside through a window, watching as the sky grew a bit darker. “Let’s head back; it’s almost time to return to the castle.”

Sirius nodded and straightened up, then turned and glanced around the room. “Where’s Remus?”

Remus was gone.

~~~

It took Sirius and James two minutes to search the Shrieking Shack from top to bottom, and at some point Sirius actually considered that ghosts had taken Remus away. But they found their new mate outside sitting on the grass, his back to the Shrieking Shack.

As Sirius approached his new mate, Remus didn’t even stir, remaining completely motionless on the ground. Sirius stopped by Remus’s side, and finally Remus looked briefly at him just to turn is head away once more.

“Hey,” said Sirius as he sat beside Remus while James stood behind. Remus seemed to be lost in thought, so Sirius put a hand on his shoulder and Remus looked at him again.

“Why‘d you leave, Remus?”

Remus blinked once then said, “Allergies. The dust was making me feel bad.”

“Oh,” Sirius said. What Remus said made complete sense; the house was indeed quite dusty. “Sorry to drag you in there then.” He felt like apologizing.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know,” Remus said sadly as he shook Sirius’s hand and stood up.

Sirius stayed on the ground for a few more seconds then rose when Remus started walking away back toward Hogsmeade. He didn’t know. Sirius was left with the impression that Remus didn’t mean his allergies.

~~~

On their way back to Hogwarts, they were lucky enough to get an almost empty carriage. The only other passenger was another Gryffindor boy, who had dozed off and was even snoring. James sat by the snoring boy’s side while Remus and Sirius sat together. Something had made Remus very upset; this was obvious, but Sirius and James hadn’t a clue as to what. 

During the silence, Sirius came up with a thousand theories of why Remus was so quiet. One: maybe his throat hurt. Two: maybe he was sleepy. Three: maybe his allergies were really bad, and four: maybe Remus had seen a ghost in the Shrieking Shack and was to scared to admit that that was the real reason why he had ran outside instead of investigating the cool claw marks James had found. 

But the truth was that the reason didn’t matter much to Sirius. The point was that Remus wasn’t talking and that Sirius wanted to hear his voice, and desperate times called for desperate measures. First, he tried poking Remus in the arm, but that only resulted in a glare. Then, he tried making small talk, but that only resulted in more silence. Third, he tried tickling Remus, but that resulted in a look of shock from not only Remus, but from James, too.

“What?” said Sirius with a clueless look on his face, not understanding either reaction; he saw no harm in tickling someone on their tummy.

When James gave him another odd look, Sirius backed down. They counted the dungbombs and stink pellets they had bought at Zonko’s. Remus barely participated in the activity, and by the time they had arrived at Hogwarts Sirius had had enough. Now he had a goal: to get Remus out of his bad mood for at least ten seconds. Sirius knew exactly how to do this, but it would have to wait until after dinner.

~~~

Sirius saw his target exit the Great Hall ten minutes after dinner had ended, and to his amazing luck, he was alone. Sirius had told James about the plan, and James had agreed, so Sirius knowingly nudged him and pointed toward their target. James and Sirius nodded once at each other then stood up from the table at the same time, each grabbing one of Remus’s arms and pulling him with them.

“What the-?” Remus managed to mutter before being half carried, half dragged out of the Great Hall. 

They ran down two halls and one flight of stairs, Remus trying to ask all the way where they were going and only getting shushing noises from Sirius. Then suddenly Sirius turned into a corner, and all three of them hid behind the wall. Sirius leaned over the edge of the wall and looked down the corridor beyond.

“What’s going on?” Remus said hastily.

“Quiet, or he’ll hear us!”

“Who will hear us?” Remus turned to James since Sirius wasn’t paying much attention, but James only smirked.

The hall was empty except for a few people very far ahead. Remus looked around some more and then it hit him. “We’re in the Slytherin halls!” he exclaimed. “What are we doing in the Slytherin halls?”

“Remus, be quiet!” Sirius snapped. “He’s coming.”

Remus had had enough; he leaned against Sirius so he could look down the hall without being spotted. He saw a lanky sort of boy with Slytherin robes, most likely also a third year, with greasy hair and a slightly crooked nose walking down the hall towards them. Remus glanced up and saw that Sirius was grinning. 

Remus felt a hand on his shoulder, and he was pulled back to a hide behind the wall once more. 

The Slytherin boy passed by without seeing them, and Sirius took his wand from under his robes and pointed it toward the Slytherin as he muttered a spell. Red sparks sprouted from the end of Sirius’s wand. Remus looked away for a second and when he looked back towards the hall he had to cover his mouth and stifle a laugh. He heard Sirius murmur, “Marauders, ten; Snivellus, zero.”

The boy Sirius called Snivellus, which Remus doubted was his real name, continued to walk down the hall, unaware that his hair was now a bright shade of bubblegum pink.

Snivellus was reaching the end of the hall and the group of people Remus had seen earlier. Remus saw a shadow pass him; James had left their side and started his way back towards the Great Hall and out of Slytherin territory. Remus was still trying to shake the shock of what Sirius had just done at the same time that he tried not to burst out laughing. Remus saw that the group of people was starting to notice the boy with the pink hair, and just when Remus started hearing giggles and laughs, Sirius grabbed his hand and started dragging him down the hall, following James’s steps. Sirius ran fast, holding tight to Remus’s hand, and Remus kept his pace and spared a glance backwards to see that the Slytherin boy had just realized that his hair was pink and was turning his head towards him and Sirius. 

Sirius turned the next corner and he and Remus disappeared out of sight. 

~~~

James ran ahead, Sirius and Remus not too far behind, past the Great Hall and up the stairs. James yelled the password to the portrait of the Fat Lady, so Sirius and Remus never had to slow their run, past the common room, ignoring all the glances from their fellow Gryffindors, up the spiral staircase of the boys’ dorm and through the oak doors of one of the many rooms.

James quickly collapsed on a bed and started laughing while Sirius leaned against the bedpost of another and did the same. Remus laughed, too, as he sat down on the bed Sirius was leaning against, very close to Sirius himself as the two teenagers seemed to have forgotten that they were still holding hands.

Neither remembered when they finally let go. 

~~~

It was late. James and Sirius’s roommates finally appeared close to nightfall, and Remus was actually grateful for their interruption because he had forgotten about time at all and was late to meet Madam Pomfrey in the infirmary. He saw his chance and took it.

“I’m going to bed,” Remus said mildly, and Sirius reacted instantly to the announcement with a softly muttered ‘but’.

Remus just smiled at Sirius’s pouting face. “I’m really tired, and my throat hurts a bit from the allergies,” he lied convincingly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He started to leave then suddenly turned around. “And Sirius-” Sirius blinked at him, and Remus looked at James to show that he was also included in the next word. “Thanks.”

~~~

Remus was actually humming as he rushed to the infirmary. He hoped Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t be too angry about him ‘cutting it close’. He didn’t think she would be too upset; it was, after all, his first offense. When he was nearing the infirmary, he saw two boys walking from it, and Remus slowed down his pace. He recognized one of the boys immediately as the one Sirius had hexed with pink hair. There was no way of avoiding them, so Remus pretended to stare at the floor, but as they passed by, they called after him.

“Hey, you!”

Remus looked briefly toward the two boys, and after a moment’s thought recognized the other one, too. He also had a reputation much like Sirius and James, and Remus remembered a huge duel between James and him just last year. They both had received a week’s detention for it, if Remus wasn’t mistaken. 

Oh, he definitely knew this boy. He was a fifth year, quite tall, blond hair tied in a small ponytail.

His name was Lucius Malfoy.


	5. wounds

Remus blinked a few times before he realized that the Slytherin boys weren't leaving. Then, the one Sirius had called Snivellus said something that Remus couldn't hear. 

Lucius Malfoy grinned. “Heard you are Black's new pet. Is it true?” 

Remus blinked. “What?” 

“Severus tells me that you and your mates gave him a little bit of trouble this afternoon.” 

Remus spared a glance at the boy Sirius had hexed. So Snivellus wasn't the boy's real name after all. “I didn't-” Remus started to say, but he was interrupted.

“Don't deny it! I saw you,” Severus snapped.

“Didn't you know,” Lucius cut in, “that your new friends live to torment other people?” 

Remus frowned at the older boy. “Like you're any better,” he said instantly, knowing the boys reputation, and instantly regretted having said anything at all as he watched the grin vanish from Lucius Malfoy's face. 

In the blink of an eye, Lucius stepped closer to Remus and seized his arm just below the shoulder in a tight grip. “We were thinking a little payback is necessary,” he said with malice, raising Remus's arm upwards suddenly. “You know, an eye for an eye.”

Remus grimaced. “Let go! You're hurting me!” Lucius snickered and tighten his grip further.

It happened quickly. Remus noticed the boy called Severus had a sort of mad grin on his face, then the grip on his arm tightened again, and Remus had a brief chance to glance sideways in time to see Lucius Malfoy raise a fist then swing it down violently. The blow struck Remus right across the face, and at the same time Lucius released him making him stumble to the ground. At first Remus couldn't believe it. Had that boy actually just struck him? But then the hurt started creeping up the side of his face, and the pain erased his doubt. 

Remus looked towards the infirmary in hopes of seeing Madam Pomfrey, anyone, there. Two pair of feet blocked his view of the infirmary, and Remus looked up to see the leering faces of the two Slytherin boys. Remus instinctively gazed down, expecting to be hit again or kicked, but neither happened. 

“That was for the hair,” Severus said, then stepped away. 

Then Lucius Malfoy took his place. “Tell Black that the Slytherins don't like to be played with and that next time, any insults by him will be paid by you. And it will be much worse than this,” he said. 

They left, and Remus waited until they were out of sight to try to stand, which he did easily. When he finally arrived before Madam Pomfrey, who was in her office, she gave him a small lecture as they made their way to the Whomping Willow. Remus got past the hole and into the tunnel, where Madam Pomfrey said her goodbyes due to lack of time. 

Remus had a lot of time to think as he made his way through the dark passage alone. He was thinking that he enjoyed Sirius's company, he loved not being alone, but being Sirius Black's friend was turning dangerous. When he finally reached the Shrieking Shack and locked the door, the moon had almost completely risen. Remus could feel the peculiar burning of his blood as he placed a hand on the stair rail. 

He'd only known Sirius for a week and so far he'd broken curfew, received a detention, participated in a prank, and been threatened.

Remus reached the second floor of the house and caught a glimpse of the moon through a crack in a boarded window. He took a sharp breath and entered the room where he, Sirius and James had been just hours before.

First, James had threatened him, and though he seemed to have forgotten the threat, he hadn't actually retracted it. Now the worst Slytherins Hogwarts had seen in quite a few years had threatened him, and with physical harm, no less. Apparently it wasn't enough that he bit and scratched himself every full moon.

Remus passed the scratch marks he'd made on the wall and gripped the nearest post of the four poster bed. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and the already too familiar tinge of pain that came with the change. 

He loved being Sirius Black's friend, but being Sirius Black's friend was turning into a very bad idea. 

Remus gasped as his heart gave a loud thud and shut his eyes, his grip on the post tightening unconsciously. 

Maybe it would be safer if he wasn't Sirius's friend anymore. 

The moon rose. 

Remus screamed. 

~~~ 

Sirius was the first to wake up. He found himself in an unusually good mood, even for him. He dressed quickly and rushed down to the common room to wait for Remus. He didn't bother to wake James because it was a Sunday and James had made it perfectly clear over the last two years that Sundays were sacred for him and that Sirius would suffer terrible things if he dare wake him up. But Sirius also knew that Remus had been the one doing the waiting for breakfast all week long and Sirius wanted to be the first one today. It was all part of his plan to make Remus the next Marauder. James seemed to still need some convincing, which was why Sirius hadn't told him yet what his intention was. Plus, he still had to test Remus. He hadn’t forgotten about that.

A short time after he sat down to wait, Gryffindors of all ages started descending from their rooms and out through the portrait hole toward the Great Hall. Sirius sat patiently, glancing at the exit of the boy's dorm with a bit of anticipation. More and more people passed until eventually James came down, and if James was up, it meant it was late and that breakfast would soon be over. 

“Did you eat already?” James asked with a yawn. 

“Remus hasn't showed up,” Sirius said, sounding concerned. 

James opened his eyes wider, looking more alert than before. “That's odd,” he said. 

There was some noise behind Sirius, announcing the entrance of Gryffindors returning from breakfast. James's eyes shifted from Sirius to the noisy group, and Sirius recognized the familiar look that fell over James eyes. 

Near the entrance to the Gryffindor common room was a small group of third year girls, among them the one that Sirius had marked as the object of James's attention: Lily Evans. 

“Hi, Lily,” James said almost instantly. Lily stopped her conversation with her friend, whose name Sirius knew was Alice. Lily looked forward at the voice and scowled. Sirius inwardly rolled his eyes while James just kept on smiling. Unlike Sirius, James apparently didn't notice that Lily didn't fancy him even a bit. 

Sirius approached the girls without a second thought. He didn't noticed how most of them blushed as he approached. “Have any of you seen Remus?” he asked. 

Some of the girls blinked, others just stared forward blankly, then Lily stepped forward with a slight frown on her face. 

“Haven't you heard?” she said sounding confused. 

James seemed to have snapped from his daze and was now standing beside Sirius. 

“Heard what?” Sirius asked Lily. 

She turned to look at the rest of the girls for a second then turned back towards Sirius. Her voice very careful, she informed him, “We heard Lucius Malfoy beat up Remus last night.” 

There was a second of pure silence, and Lily could almost feel instead of witness Sirius's reaction. 

“What?” Sirius yelled, his eyes bearing on Lily as if almost daring her to say the words again. 

“That's what we heard in the Great Hall. The rumor, I mean, it's all over the Slytherin table,” Lily said hurriedly. But by the time she had finished the sentence Sirius was already halfway through the portrait hole. 

Lily turned to look at James for a second, as if she were afraid of the effect her words might have. James just gave her a wary glance before running after Sirius. 

~~~ 

Remus woke when the sun hit his eyes. He didn't even know what time it was. He blinked once then tried to sit up and instantly stopped due to the pain coming from most of his body. It had been a bad night. 

At least he had woken up in the infirmary and not on the Shrieking Shack's floor as he sometimes did. For a moment Remus wished he had a mirror to see how bad the damage was, then thought better of it; he'd rather not know, and besides Madam Pomfrey made most of his wounds disappeared before noon. It was a pity she couldn't do the same with how much the wounds actually hurt. 

Remus yawned. He was always exhausted after the full moon, and much to his dismay, yawning hurt. He slowly raised a hand to his face, touching the spot where it hurt, and as he grimaced from the pain he remembered how he'd gotten this particular bruise: Lucius Malfoy.

Remus lay back down and closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about that now; he just wanted Poppy to come over and finish fixing him up so he could meet Sirius and James before they woke up. If they asked about his face, he would say that he had fallen down the stairs. The infirmary door opened, and Remus glanced curiously towards it. He almost stopped breathing. 

Not this. Anything but this. 

Remus had hoped that he would be able to be up and about before breakfast started, and if he couldn't make it, he could have made the excuse that he had overslept. He had hoped in vain. Sirius had just opened the door to the infirmary, glancing quickly around the large room until his eyes found Remus and practically running towards him. 

A twinge of fear swept over Remus. He didn't want Sirius to see him. Anyone but him. How did Sirius know where he was? Did he know what he was? But Remus couldn't think anymore, because Sirius was by his bed, his face pale and his eyes searching. Some sweat ran down his forehead, and a few strands of hair fell over his grey eyes. 

“Sirius,” Remus muttered in a quivering voice.

Sirius gave another step forward, and Remus couldn't stop staring at the look in Sirius's eyes. 

“I'll kill him,” Sirius said, his voice barely a whisper. 

Remus blinked. “What? Kill? Who?” he asked, confused, but hushed once more when he saw Sirius's hand reach toward him and gently touch the bruise on his face. Remus grimaced a bit, and Sirius pulled his fingers away and grazed another wound on his forehead. This one, Remus knew, had been done by himself and not Lucius Malfoy. 

There was more noise coming from the infirmary's doors, and Sirius took his hand away. Remus blinked then saw as James came over and stood by Sirius's side. 

Remus exchange glances with the two boys. What could he say? What would they do? They would certainly leave him now. 

“You-” James muttered under his breath. 

Now that they knew what he was… Remus gazed down. No point in denying it; might as well confess it. He took a deep breath, mustered all his courage, and opened his mouth. “I am-” 

“I'll kill him!” said Sirius, louder this time and Remus had a second to look straight into those fathomless grey eyes before Sirius turned around and headed out of the infirmary in a half-run. 

Remus's eyes widened, and James turned his head around to watch Sirius leave. Why had Sirius left like that? 

Remus sat up, ignoring the pain from his body. James heard the noise and turned to face him again. “I have to stop him,” he said, starting to walk away. 

“James!” Remus yelled, making James pause. “Kill who? What is he talking about?” 

James looked confused for a second but quickly recovered himself. “Lucius Malfoy,” he said, as if this should be obvious to Remus, “for what he did to you.” 

After that James ran out of the infirmary, leaving Remus in utter shock on the bed. 

'Oh no,' Remus thought. 

Sirius believed that… He and James thought that… that his wounds…that all his wounds were caused by Lucius Malfoy. 

Oh no, indeed.


	6. familiar

It took Remus less than a minute to clear his head after James and Sirius left the infirmary. He didn’t know how things could have ended in such a misunderstanding, but he knew one thing: he had to stop Sirius. He didn’t know what he was going to say or how he was going to explain his wounds if he had to admit only one bruise was Lucius Malfoy’s handiwork. 

But he had to _stop_ Sirius. 

Remus pulled the blankets aside and stared wide-eyed at the huge bandage on his leg. 

'What the hell did I try to do?' he wondered. 'Maul my leg off?' 

Remus shook his head and stepped off the bed. His legs trembled instantly, but he ignored it. He couldn’t let Sirius get into a scuffle with the Slytherins over a stupid bruise. Remus pulled his robes over his head quickly in order to hide the bandages. He released his hold on the bed and gave five solid steps toward the exit before his legs gave way and he fell to the floor. He swore loudly and forced himself to his feet once more. His legs were practically screaming, but Remus ignored them, ignored the pain and just ran. 

~~~

“Sorry!” James apologized to the third person he had bumped into as he ran after Sirius in the crowded halls. 

He couldn’t see Sirius anymore, but he knew exactly where the other boy was heading: the Great Hall. Breakfast was over by now and everyone knew that the Slytherins liked to linger in the empty hall. After three years James believed he could predict Sirius’s every move. He’d been wrong. What had happened to Remus was unmerited; Remus would never attack anybody, so he didn’t deserve to be beaten. James was angry too, but in his eyes, Sirius's reaction was a little over the edge. 

He arrived at the Great Hall, he was too late. 

~~~

Sirius’s blood felt on fire. He couldn't remember what he had said to Lucius Malfoy to get his attention, but it must had been something rather nasty by the look on the blond boy’s face. Soon there was a roar of laughter and Sirius felt like he was surrounded by Slytherins.

“Aww, how sickeningly sweet, the traitor has come to defend his little pet,” Lucius Malfoy drawled in a thick tongue. He didn’t bother to stand up even as Sirius Black was glaring at him. 

“You--” 

“Sirius!” 

The whole Slytherin table seemed to turn at the new voice. James stood there, his face red from running. 

There was a long silence. 

“Oi, Black, now you’re letting your mates fight your battles for you?” someone in the back yelled, and the Slytherins snickered. 

Sirius ignored everything and everyone except Lucius Malfoy. “Why the hell did you hit Remus?” 

Malfoy grinned. “Payback. He was an easy target, a shrimp, pathetic. He’s a nobody, deserved what he got if you ask me.” 

The Slytherin table roared with laughter for the second time. Sirius's eyes were impossibly wide, and his hand was a fist because he was going to erase that smug look on Lucius Malfoy’s face out of existence. He swung his arm backwards for force and there it stayed, because not one, or two, but three hands grabbed his arm. James was holding both his upper and lower arm while Remus covered his fist with a bandaged hand. 

James was talking, something about stupid gits and not being worth it. Remus didn’t say anything; he just looked at Sirius, his eyes doing the talking for him: _Don’t do anything stupid_. 

Sirius lowered his arm, and both his friends relinquished their grips. They ignored the Slytherins calls as they walked away and left the Great Hall without another word. 

Sirius walked ahead with James slightly behind him and Remus bringing up the rear. Neither noticed Remus’s limping, but that was fine with him; he could sneak back to the infirmary later and tolerate Madam Pomfrey’s scolding. There had been no fight, no punches thrown, no wands raised, no one had done anything for which to be expelled. 

The silent war between the Gryffindors and Slytherins had begun. 

Remus was just grateful that his secret was still safe. 

~~~ 

The weeks following the Malfoy incident were quiet ones, and there was little action apart from a couple of dungbombs that mysteriously exploded on the Slytherin table during dinner and James and Sirius once returning from the Quidditch field covered in green polka dots. Nothing happened to Remus, probably because Sirius never left his side outside of Gryffindor tower. The only eventful things were learning about vampires in Defense Against the Dark Arts class and Remus's visiting his sick mother for three days in early November. So it was quite a surprise for Remus when James approached him after Transfiguration and asked him if they could have a word in private. It was only after the room had emptied that James spoke. 

“Remember that chat we had in September? When Sirius invited you to sit with us?” 

Remus tilted his head to the side slightly, his eyes confused. He had no clue what James was talking about. 

“The night you got detention for sneaking to the Great Hall with Sirius after curfew,” James added. 

Remus mouth formed a small ‘o’. That chat. When James appeared to be anything but nice. The threat. 

 

_“Listen, you, I don’t know why Sirius has gotten this recent ‘thing’ for you, but-”_

_“‘Thing’?”_

_“He is my friend, understand? I’m not going to let some bookworm destroy our friendship! So you better watch it!”_

 

Remus had completely forgotten about it. 

“I want to take back what I said.” James finished quickly. 

“Eh?” Remus blinked at him, then, “Oh, all right then–” 

“Right,” James nodded, pushing his glasses back up into place and just staring at Remus. Remus had the impression James was waiting for him to say something else. 

“Okay?” he offered 

James laughed. 

“Okay,” he agreed and patted Remus on the back. 

~~~ 

December was getting nearer and along with it, another full moon. Remus calculated that it made a lot of sense that his mother was still ill, and that he might have to go see her again. Both James and Sirius accepted his excuse without wanting a thorough explanation, which unnerved Remus to some extent, but he shrugged it off and disappeared for two days. 

“He’s doing it again,” Sirius said nonchalantly to James as they walked towards Gryffindor tower after saying goodbye to Remus by the front gates. 

“Who’s doing what?” James replied, as if Sirius just hadn’t said something that didn’t make much sense.

“Remus, disappearing every once in a while,” Sirius added, making a hand gesture. 

James gave him a bemused look as they started up the dorm steps. “Now we know why. His mum's sick.” 

'Then she’s been sick for a very long time’ Sirius thought, but he didn’t say anything aloud because, after all, he didn’t know the whole story. However, he was determined to find out. “Yeah,” he said. But he almost didn’t believe it himself. 

~~~ 

Remus came back ten days before the end of term looking ghastly and weak, so pale in fact that both his new friends were afraid he’d caught his mother’s mysterious illness. 

“You look like you’re about to die, mate. Shouldn’t you be in the infirmary? Or at least resting?” 

Remus looked up from his potions text at Sirius. “I need to catch up in my studies. I don’t want to fail.”

“But you’re ill.” 

“I’m fine.” Remus could have sworn that he had read the last paragraph over ten times already, but for some reason the information just wouldn’t sink in. He hated potions, so much information that he probably would never need in his life. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened them again to find that Sirius was staring at him. Remus quickly placed a hand on his cheek. “What?” he asked. “Do I have something on my face?” 

“No,” Sirius said calmly. He dipped his quill in the ink once more. “How long has your mom been sick?” 

Remus paused briefly. “A little over a month,” he answered. 

“Is she getting better?” 

“I hope so.” Remus gave up on the paragraph and turned the page. “What did you and James do while I was away?” 

Sirius's brows rose slightly. “Got bored, mostly. We even left Snivellus alone. It’s just not the same without you.” 

“I’m flattered,” Remus said with a lightly mocking tone which Sirius took lightly. He responded with a smile, and Remus smiled back. 

“Oh, that reminds me.” Sirius stood up, pulled something from a pocket in his robes and gave it to Remus. “An owl brought this for you this morning while you were still resting. When it couldn’t find you, it decided to give it to me.” Remus scowled as he took the sealed letter, which was clearly from home, but shrugged it off. He would have to talk to his mother about their owl’s habits and remind her not to send post so soon after the full moon. He opened the letter. 

 

_Dear Remus,_

_As you may know, your father’s company holds an annual Christmas raffle for its employees, and Remus, your father won! It is a trip for two to Ireland. Your father and I would really like to take the trip, but if we decide to go, you’re going to have to stay at Hogwarts for the holidays. I know how you always look forward to coming back home for Christmas, and if you ask us, we won’t hesitate to stay._

_Study well._

_Love,_

_Mom_

 

Remus put the letter down and slumped back in his chair. Stay at Hogwarts for the Holidays?

He wanted to go home. Home was safe. There he wasn’t alone. 

But he wasn't alone at Hogwarts anymore, either. He had friends now, even if once every while he believed Sirius would snicker at him and tell him it was all a joke and that Remus was a fool to ever believe Sirius Black would care about someone like him. 

James and Sirius were not staying at Hogwarts, they are going home to their families. The best thing would be to tell his mother that he didn’t want to stay over the holidays. 

Remus couldn’t remember the last time the family took a vacation, much less his parents alone. It would be so easy just to tell her no. 

“Are you okay, Remus?” Remus snapped his head upwards and met Sirius's eyes. “You look worried. Is your mom all right? 

Remus smiled. “Yes. She’s okay now.” 

Then he took a new piece of parchment and wrote his reply.


	7. decision

It seemed the closer the end of term came, the more distressed Sirius appeared. He would go into long periods of silence and even did his homework. The first time Sirius behaved like this during first year, James was left without the reason for such behavior and had to wait a full half term for the answer. When James caught the behavior again two weeks before the end of that first year, it hadn’t taken much to convince Sirius to admit the reason: he didn’t want to go home.

During second year James got more familiar with Sirius's ‘family situation’ and was prepared when his friend went into his silent state just before a school break. Now, five days before third-year Christmas break, the behavior was reappearing. James was prepared and accepted Sirius's stoic silence, supporting him and reassuring him as subtlety as he could. Remus was new to this, however, so when Sirius started the behavior, more than once James would catch the shorter boy starring at Sirius with concerned eyes. Remus asked Sirius far too often if he was all right, and the only answer he’d received was a muttered ‘I’m fine’, which left the brunet looking even more distressed and worried than before. 

James would find himself on the verge of blurting out something to reassure his new friend and something to kill the depression of his best one. Instead he swallowed and pursed his lips. It wasn’t his secret to tell.

~~~

Remus's eyes were going to kill him, Sirius thought. If the boy kept looking at him like that, he surely was. He always thought that Remus, even long before he had had the guts to approach him, that Remus was the sort of person who would think of you as a best friend even if he only knew you for five minutes, and the sort of person who would, just by looking at you, know exactly if you were distressed or perfectly fine. Sirius hated being right. 

In three more days he would be packing his trunk, boarding the Hogwarts Express and going back to Twelve Grimmauld Place for Christmas. He couldn’t help thinking that he would rather stay in the Shrieking Shack. He couldn’t stay behind at Hogwarts without a viable reason, however, and his father would find out and probably disown him and throw him out of the house for missing the great Black Family Holiday Feast. 

Black. That’s right, he was a Black. In Gryffindor

“Aww, how sickeningly sweet, the traitor has come to defend his little pet...”

His parents' first response to the news had been a Howler.

SIRIUS BLACK! GRYFFINDOR! GENERATIONS UPON GENERATIONS OF BLACKS! AND THE NEWEST HEIR IS A GRYFFINDOR! YOU HAVE BROUGHT SHAME TO OUR BLOOD! 

Thankfully, that particular letter had been mailed the day of the Sorting, and Sirius had received it in the middle of the night while he was still in the common room trying to sort out himself how he had ended up in Gryffindor. No one could know. He had shamed his family, his name. He should make friends with Slytherins as his family wanted. His cousin Narcissa was here; surely she could help him. But there was also that boy, the one with the glasses, what was his name? James. He was fun, especially when he made the frog of a skinny boy sprout sharp teeth which the boy didn’t notice until it was too late.

When the howler was still tearing itself apart someone entered the common room. Sirius immediately tore after that person. Not caring, just knowing that no one could know.

“Did you hear?” he yelled in the face of the startled boy.

The newcomer paused, “I-”

“Did you hear the howler?!”

“What Howler? I just got in, I missed the train…”

Without realizing, Sirius had a tight grip on the boy’s shoulder, and it was only when the boy cowered as if he where about to be hit that Sirius released him. 

Sirius left the startled boy that night without another word. The first impression Remus must have gotten of him was most likely that of a raving lunatic and a bully.

~~~

Sirius and James appeared at the common room with their trunks ready and with ten minutes to spare before the train left. They quickly took notice of Remus’s trunk, or lack thereof.

“Aren’t you ready, Remus?” James asked.

Remus looked downwards. With Sirius’s strange mood and the fear of looking even more pathetic than he already did, he hadn’t told James or Sirius that he was staying at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays. He had no more excuses.

“Er, I’m not going. My parents are taking a vacation.”

“You’re staying!” Sirius bellowed, making Remus jump slightly. “That is so unfair!” he said to no one in particular.

Remus stared at him.

“What I mean is,” Sirius regressed, now looking intently at Remus, "you’re spending Christmas alone, and that’s no fun.”

Remus tried to smile. “I’ll be okay. I’m not the only one who’s staying, after all.”

“But you’ll be alone,” Sirius said as if this was the worst predicament in the world.

“I’m used to it,” Remus responded, then wished he could take back the words just to spare himself the apologetic look on Sirius’s face.

“Eh,” James cut in, “we have to leave, Sirius. The train-"

All three of them headed to the main doors in silence except for the occasional noise from their trunks. By the doors Dumbledore was talking with Prof. McGonagall, who had a list in front of her which she kept marking as students exited.

“Happy Christmas,” Remus wished with a smile.

“Happy Christmas," James responded as he started to pull his trunk forward. Remus turned to Sirius for a similar response. Goodbyes were always the toughest. It would be for less than a month, he reminded himself.

He forced a smile. “Happy Christmas, Sirius.”

Sirius stood, unshaken by Remus’ words, his eyes intent on the huge oak doors and the blue sky beyond.

“I’m staying.”

James stopped and quickly turned around. “What?” 

“I don’t want to go home. I'd rather stay here. Besides, you'd rather have company, right, Remus?”

Remus gaped slightly and was unable to answer.

James tried to hide a smile as he rolled his eyes. “It seems like you made up your mind.”

Sirius finally grinned. “Happy Christmas, James.”

“The train leaves in two minutes!” McGonagall’s voice echoed across the hall. 

“Try not to lose House points.” James waved at them and left through the doors, McGonagall making a check on her list as he passed.  
The main hall suddenly felt very empty until Sirius broke the silence. “I’m going to get disowned.”

Remus finally snapped from his mild daze of what had just happened. “Surely it can’t be that bad.”

“You don’t know the half of it.” The huge oak doors slammed shut. “What have I done?” Sirius wailed suddenly, leaving Remus at a loss for words.  
Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere. “The train has left, Mr. Black. I was under the impression that you would be on it.”

“I changed my mind,” Sirius answered.

Dumbledore raised his brows slightly and glanced at Remus briefly. “I see,” he said in a rather amused voice. “Well then, I’ll go inform the castle elves that there will be an extra head to count for the holidays' meals.” Sirius nodded swiftly. “I also have an owl to send to Mr. and Mrs. Black informing them that their son had to remain at Hogwarts in order to help the headmaster on some business. Very important wizarding business, I’m sure they’ll be delighted to hear.” Dumbledore started his walk up the hall. “See you at dinner.”

Dumbledore left with a slight dance to his walk. Remus blinked once and looked at Sirius, who was positively grinning and suddenly dropped his trunk, spread his arms and caught Remus in one of his bear hugs. By the time Remus's feet were safely back on firm ground, there was a smile on his face. He wasn’t spending Christmas alone after all. 

Sirius picked up his trunk once more. "Help me unpack?”

“Sure.”


	8. gifts

It didn't take very long to unpack Sirius's things and put them back in their place; more than half the trunk didn't even need to be unpacked. Sirius smiled the entire time, but what really took Remus by surprise was when Sirius started singing carols in an offhand tenor voice. When they were done it was supper time and they were pleasantly surprised that there were only two Slytherins staying over the holidays, a pair of first years. The rest of the evening flew by in the Gryffindor common room with a few rounds of exploding snap and one game of wizard chess, on which Remus insisted. 

Sirius apparently didn't want to go to sleep. After the chess game, they were back to exploding snap, but Remus was too tired, so he just lounged on one of the couches as Sirius won his tenth round of the game against a first year. Remus was nearly falling asleep on the couch and decided he'd had enough.

"I'm going to bed," he announced.

Sirius looked up from the game. "Good idea," he nipped, and he rose from the floor, leaving the game half finished. 

Remus went up the stairs with Sirius behind him, humming the carols as they went up. Remus stopped suddenly, and Sirius almost crashed with him.

"Something wrong?"

"My room is this way." Remus pointed to a door to his left.

"Oh, you need to go get your stuff?" 

Remus frowned. "Stuff?"

"We're staying together, of course. You can sleep on James's bed. He won't mind."

Remus closed his eyes and massaged his forehead, feigning a headache. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

Sirius stepped closer, suddenly looking very gloomy. "If you don't sleep in my room, I'll sleep in yours."

Remus held his breath for a moment. "I'll go get my things."

~~~

"Remus, wake up! It's morning!"

Remus groaned and pulled the bed covers over his head. "GoawaySiriusIwannasleep." He heard footsteps coming closer, and suddenly the bedcovers were unceremoniously pulled back, and Remus made a small ‘oomph' when Sirius got on the bed and started jumping on it. Remus scrambled to hold onto the bedpost in order not to fall. The headache was going to start any second, Remus thought, but Sirius was laughing, and Remus concluded that this had been the happiest he'd seen Sirius, even happier than when they had shown him his first prank.

With another ‘oomph', Sirius collapsed knees first on the bed and graciously started tickling Remus. Much to Sirius's delight, he discovered that Remus was very ticklish.

"Hahahahastopit!" Remus got particularly squeamish when tickled in the belly. "HeheheheIsaidstopit!"

Sirius stopped.

During the struggle, Remus's night shirt had lifted up. "Cool scar, Remus, how you get that?"

Remus quickly pushed his nightshirt down, and there was a brief moment of fear on his eyes. Sirius tilted his head slightly and blinked once. Remus blinked back. "I got bit by a dog, but I don't remember. I was too little." 

"Wow, must have been a big dog," Sirius said, amused.

Remus smiled a bit, "Yeah, my mom told me it was."

~~~

"Remind to send Dumbledore a thank-you owl. I don't know what he said to my parents, but whatever it was; it must have been pretty damn good. I've been asking for a racing broom since first year, and look at it! Isn't it beautiful?"

"Looks expensive," Remus said as he sat by the end of James's bed, on which he'd been sleeping, opening one of his own gifts.

"It's a Nimbus! It's the best broom!" 

"It looks very nice."

"Nice? Nice doesn't even cut it! Wait till I let you ride it, then you'll see."

Remus paused his present unwrapping. "You'd really let me ride your new broom?"

"Of course I would! As long as you don't crash, of course."

"Then you better keep it. I'm not very good at riding."

Sirius grinned at him. "Wait till I teach you."

Remus finished opening his parents' gift to find a picture of them at the resort where they were staying, one of the best thank-you notes he'd ever read, and something he'd been wanting probably since he was five: a golden pocket watch. Of course, it wasn't real gold, but that didn't matter. Remus didn't remember the reason behind wanting one, but only the desire to own one, his own pocket watch. One that bore the words 'Remus J. Lupin' encrusted on the back.

"Thank you," he whispered, clutching it tight.

A shadow passed over him and Remus looked up to see Sirius standing over him. "Look," he said, smiling, "it even has my name on it."

"Brilliant!" Sirius countered.

Remus placed the pocket watch back in its box and set it down beside him. Remus stared at Sirius briefly, and before he could ask the reason for their sudden closeness, Sirius thrust his hands forward as he presented Remus with a small red box with a white bow. "Happy Christmas, Remus."

Remus opened his mouth then closed it. He stared at the little box as if it where something marvellous. He opened his mouth again. "You got me a gift," he uttered, almost whispering.

"Open it."

Remus did.

Sirius's stomach fell when Remus did nothing when he saw the gift. "Don't you like it?" Sirius reached out and took the small orb from the box. "It's a lunarscope. It even tells you when the moon is new or full." Remus was unresponsive, and his frame shook slightly. "I sometimes see you looking at it, the moon, I mean. I thought you might like that." Remus met his eyes. "Sorry, I really though you would like it." Sirius started to put the lunarscope back in the box, and Remus stopped him, opened his palm and took the lunarscope back. 

"Thank you. You just surprised me. I have never gotten a gift that wasn't from my family. Thank you, Sirius, really." Remus smiled genuinely.

Sirius had to gulp down a lump in his throat before he could reply, "You're welcome."

They went back to opening their remaining gifts. Remus got a new coat from an uncle, and Sirius got a letter and a new quill set from his cousin Andromeda. Remus was done with his small pile when Sirius started opening what seemed to be his last present.

"It's from my uncle Alphard. He's awesome. You should meet him someday." 

Remus released a morning yawn. "Is it a nice gift?"

"It's a necklace," Sirius said. "My uncle is bloody brilliant!"

Remus was standing and accommodating his presents in his trunk when Sirius came over and showed him the necklace.

"Look. It has the Gryffindor crest encrusted on it."

Remus leaned forward to have a closer look at the necklace and suddenly felt bile run up his throat, and he almost fell over.

Sirius caught Remus in mid-fall, the necklace dropping to the ground.

"Remus, are you all right? Can you stand?"

Remus blinked. "I think so. It was just a dizzy spell." Just then his stomach grumbled. Sirius grinned and was about to say something when his own stomach made the similar growl. Remus grinned back. "I think we've delayed breakfast for too long." 

"Right."

Remus went to his trunk and gathered his clothes. Sirius retrieved his necklace from the floor and read his uncle's Christmas card.

"Mind if I go ahead and change?" Remus asked.

Sirius ignored the question and handed Remus the card. "Check it out. Neat, no?" 

Remus read the card.

_Dear nephew,_

_I heard about your little escapade this holiday season. Hope you're having a delightful Christmas at Hogwarts._

_I hope you like your gift. I am very proud that you made it into Gryffindor, and after three long years of calls and requests, I finally got this necklace made. It is very expensive and quite unique, made of rare silver that serves a very special purpose._

_Happy Christmas._

_Uncle Alphard_


	9. the necklace

_Dear Uncle Alphard_

_Thank you for the necklace. I wear it every day. I had the best Christmas day at Hogwarts with my friend, the new one I told you about._

_Wish you a happy Christmas, too, and thanks for the gift again. I’m also very proud of being a Gryffindor. James is back early from Christmas break, so now it’s him, me, and Remus. Ready to bring chaos to the Slytherins!_

_Love,  
Sirius_

_P.S. Remus wants to know what type of silver the necklace is made of._

~~~

Remus sat cuddled up in a freshly washed blanket on the biggest sofa in the common room. He could still smell the fresh pine scent the house elves used. The blanket had been graciously brought by James after a little argument between him and Sirius that ended in James saying something cryptic about who had the thing to get a new blanket after curfew. So James had brought the blanket. James and Sirius were very worried about him, about the fact that he always looked ill lately, cold and pale and tired. It was all because of Sirius’s necklace.

But mundane silver was harmless unless he drank it, which would make him seriously ill; it would only kill him if it got into his bloodstream. He’d never read anything about silver that would affect him just by being in close proximity to him. He couldn’t tell Sirius, at least not with a reasonable explanation, but he had to do something because the closer the full moon got, the more it affected him. The next full moon was in less than a week.

Sirius and James sat in a few feet away, still trying to sort through their Christmas homework, which Remus had completed a week before. It was nice having the common room all to themselves; it would be the last day things would be this quiet, as term started the next day. James's early appearance had been a nice surprise, too. Remus had been ready to go to bed an hour ago, but Sirius had begged him to stay, pleading with saddened eyes that Remus could only compare to those of a sad and lonely puppy. So he had stayed, curled in a blanket on a sofa in the common room. 

“Still awake, Remus?”

Remus opened his eyes slowly. He couldn’t pinpoint who had asked the question, yet still nodded slowly in agreement.

“You should go to bed, Remus,” James said, looking up from his half-finished homework. 

“Don’t make him go, James. It’s not that late. Besides, look at him, he looks so cute lying there.” 

“He looks ill, Sirius.” 

“I’m fine,” Remus muttered softly, which was a complete lie. He wanted to go to his bed and get some rest. The necklace only seemed to affect him directly when he was close to Sirius, but being constantly exposed to that silver drained his energy and made him like this: tired, sleepy and very, very cold. 

“Just go to bed, Remus, don’t listen to this git. He just want to keep you around for his personal reasons,” James snickered, for which Sirius instantly glared at him. Remus chuckled, hugging the blanket closer to himself while James and Sirius got into a friendly scuffle. 

James blew a raspberry at Sirius's face and ducked when Sirius tried to grab hold of the hem of his robes to apparently knock him down. 

“Remus can go to bed whenever he wants; nobody is forcing him to stay,” Sirius huffed.

“'But Remus, you can’t go, what if we need your help?'” James imitated in his most Sirius-like voice.

Sirius chased James around the common room until James ended behind the couch on which Remus was sitting and Sirius in the front. Remus just rolled his eyes. After a few seconds of wondering whether they were going to start running again, Sirius crouched down and stared right into Remus’s eyes. “I’m not making you stay, right, Remus?” 

Remus took a deep breath and, trying to ignore the discomfort the necklace caused, he forced a pleasant smile on his face. “Well, you did ask very nicely, how could I say no?” and at that, Sirius's face fell.

“Told you.” James grinned, initiating the chase once more. 

Remus smiled to himself as he listened to Sirius's trying to curse James into oblivion. He pondered sneaking into Sirius’s and James’s dormitory late at night after they had fallen asleep and stealing the necklace and throwing it in the middle of the lake. 

“James! Stop dodging my spells!”

"Your aiming is so bad, you’ll probably hit Remus first before me.”

Middle of the night. Stealing the necklace. Going back to feeling normal. The more Remus thought about it the better the idea sounded.

~~~

Remus knew that if he wanted to try to get rid of that necklace, it had to be tonight. He’d been sleeping in James's bed during the break, and after James had returned, he had picked another of the empty beds. By the next afternoon everybody else would have returned from their   
Christmas break, and he would have to go back to his own dorm, and it would be twice as hard to sneak into Sirius’s dorm room and steal the necklace.

They had all gone to bed at midnight after James and Sirius had given up trying to curse each other and finished their homework. He had excused himself and stayed in the bathroom a little longer than necessary, but after a few minutes he was feeling better, and by the time he had gone to the dorm, James was sleeping and Sirius was feigning to sleep.

“I know you’re awake, Sirius,” Remus said.

“One day I’m going to figure out how you do that.”

“Do what?” 

“Know if people are asleep or not, listening even if they are whispering on the opposite corner of the room, weird things.” Sirius got more comfortable in his bed and grinned as he tilted his head to the side. 

“Just because your hearing is bad doesn’t mean mine is.” Remus grinned back and headed toward an unoccupied bed. “Goodnight, Sirius.”

Remus reached the bed, changed to his pajamas and settled in, still questioning whether he should try to steal the necklace or not. He had almost made up his mind when he heard “Goodnight Remus” and made up his mind.

~~~

Remus stared at the ceiling until he heard the calm breathing that meant that Sirius was finally soundly asleep. He pushed the covers away and tiptoed across the room toward Sirius's bed. He felt the effects of the silver, but they were mild, so he knew something must be covering the necklace. Remus got to his knees and searched under the bed for Sirius’s trunk, the most likely place for the necklace to be. He pulled it forward slowly, careful not to make any noise. Sirius shifted in his sleep and Remus waited until the coast was clear. He opened the trunk quietly and started searching it, promising himself to help Sirius with whatever he needed for the next month for searching through his stuff without permission, not to mention stealing from him. 

He had no choice, Remus told himself over and over. He couldn’t stand the effects of the necklace much longer, and he would have to cut off his ties with Sirius to get away from it otherwise, and that wasn’t an option, not anymore. He wanted to be Sirius's friend, to talk to him everyday if possible. There was no other way but to get rid of the necklace. Sirius loved it, he wore it everyday, and Remus knew Sirius would never just stopped wearing it unless… If Sirius had to choose between Remus and the necklace. Even if Remus was certain Sirius would choose their friendship, that would mean he having to tell him why he wanted the necklace gone, why it affected him so much. He would have to tell Sirius what he was. 

The necklace had to go.

The search in the trunk was proving pointless. So far he'd found clothes, school books, and more clothes. The necklace wasn’t there. Remus put everything back into place, closed the trunk and pushed it back under the bed. He turned his attention to the drawer beside the bed and searched through the cabinets, also coming empty handed. Feeling a little more desperate, Remus glanced around to other possible places where the necklace might be. Under the pillow? Remus frowned internally and rose to his feet. Sirius had his head in the middle of the pillow, his bedcovers up to his chin, his mouth slightly open as he breathed softly.

Remus walked forward until his legs touched the edge of the bed and reached out toward the pillow, sure that he could search under it without waking Sirius. He had almost got it when Sirius moved in his sleep, tilting his head away from Remus and pulling the bed covers slightly down to his upper chest. Remus's head spun instantly and he follow the urge to step far away from Sirius and the necklace still around his neck. 

“Bugger,” Remus swore and quickly covered his mouth with his hand. He needed a new plan or he had to back out. No. He couldn’t back out, not when he’d come this far. He approached the bed cautiously and thought of the right approach. Reach out, unclasp the necklace from Sirius’s neck and hide it or throw it in the lake. Remus could see the clasp on the side, and he climbed on the bed to get a better angle. Remus’s body trembled, quietly pleading for Sirius not to wake up. The necklace burned under his fingertips, but he almost had it, just a little more and…

Sirius suddenly moved again, and quickly, as if reaching out to grab something. Remus didn’t have a chance to react, and before he knew it he was lying on the bed pinned under Sirius’s weight with one of Sirius’s arms across his stomach, Sirius's face snuggling close to him and murmuring something in his sleep. The necklace was so close that Remus could feel its effects all over his body. His head spun, and he tried to push himself away but was too weak to even make a decent attempt, much less one capable of waking Sirius. He was undeniably trapped. 

Remus knew that he was going to pass out, and he had a moment to wonder what Sirius would think when he woke the next morning to find Remus on his bed. His strength was gone, and he closed his eyes. Sirius murmured in his sleep again. Remus thought it sounded something like ‘mine’.


	10. revelation

He knew it was a dream. He wasn’t thirteen, but much older and yet still very young. Twenty-something seemed appropriate, even if he didn’t know why. It was Christmas and everyone was cheerful, talking and having fun. James was there, James was his best friend. He, too, was older, wiser looking holding a bundle in his arms and smiling happily. Someone kissed James on the cheek and smiled to as she spoke to the bundle. James had a wife. James was a father.

James gave the baby to him, and Sirius knew this was his family. James, James's family, the baby… A hand settled on his shoulder and Sirius looked up and gave the baby to the newcomer. He smiled, feeling safe and warm and just thinking that everything was perfect.

Remus smiled back.

Sirius stretched as he opened his eyes. He didn’t believe in dreams coming to pass, but this one had been such a nice one that a little corner in his mind hoped that it might be true someday. He, James, James's wife, a baby, and Remus. He smiled at the thought and yawned as he woke, stretching his arms once more.

Something was off.

He wasn’t alone.

Sirius couldn’t think. He closed his eyes. First he tried convincing himself that he was seeing things and that Remus wasn’t in his bed. But when he reopened his eyes slowly, Remus was still there, and Sirius didn’t know what to do. He felt confused and afraid and happy all at the same time. Looking over Remus, he saw James still sleeping. What time was it?

He poked Remus on the shoulder gently. “Remus?”

That’s when Sirius noticed how pale Remus looked. “Remus?” he asked again, raising his voice. Remus didn’t move, and it didn’t appear that he was breathing at all.

“Remus?” Sirius said loudly, sitting up and shaking his friend. The smaller boy didn’t even flinch, and Sirius pressed his ear to Remus's stomach. It rose and fell slowly. “Wake up, Remus!”

A sort of panic overwhelmed him, and Sirius ran to James's bed and shook him. “James?”

James opened his eyes instantly to see a mixture of panic and relief on Sirius’s face. “Remus isn’t waking up! He’s pale and his breathing’s weird.”

“What?” James followed Sirius to his bed, not even questioning why Remus was there in the first place.

“Remus!” Sirius shook Remus’s frame again, getting no response.

“Get Madam Pomfrey.”

Sirius stopped and blinked at James.

“Now!” James yelled and Sirius was gone.

James searched for Remus's pulse and found it after a few seconds; it was very weak. A minute passed by, then two. Remus's pulse felt stronger somehow, as if it was picking up. James frowned in confusion; not only was Remus's pulse suddenly getting stronger, but it seemed as if some color was returning to his cheeks.

 _“What is going on?”_ he thought.

“Remus?” James asked tentatively.

The door opened, and Madam Pomfrey came in a rush with Sirius right behind her.

Remus looked liked he was simply sleeping.

~~~

It smelled weird. It smelled of medicines mixed with flowers and cleanliness. He knew that smell all to well. The hospital wing. That couldn’t be right. It wasn’t the full moon yet.

Remus opened his eyes. He was in the hospital wing. Why? For a moment he couldn’t remember why he was there. He recalled trying to steal the necklace, getting pinned under Sirius’s weight and fainting. He had no idea how he had ended up in the hospital wing.

There was a soft ‘ahem’ and Remus looked sideways.

“Good morning, Mr. Lupin.” said Madam Pomfrey

“Morning,” Remus replied softly.

Madam Pomfrey pushed back her glasses and checked a small chart she was holding. “It seems you had a severe reaction from over exposure to silver. You know better than to drink silver, Mr. Lupin. I would like an explanation.”

“Where’s Sirius? And James?” Remus asked first.

“They have been ordered to stay in their dorm until I tell them it’s safe to come” -- Remus opened his mouth -- “which is after I get some answers from you as to why there are traces of silver on your body.”

“I didn’t drink any silver,” Remus said firmly. Madam Pomfrey looked skeptically at him. Remus took a deep breath and told her about Sirius and the necklace.

“A necklace shouldn’t affect you,” said Madam Pomfrey, making a note on her chart.

“It does, makes me feel tired and cold, dizzy and sometimes nauseous.”

“Then why did you expose yourself on purpose when you knew the side effects?”

“I was trying to” -- Remus took a deep breath -- “steal the necklace, I was thinking that maybe I could hide it.”

“Wouldn’t the reasonable thing to do be staying away from Mr. Black? Or ask him to remove the item?”

Remus's chest tightened, and for a long moment he didn’t know why. He started thinking what would he do if he had to stay away from Sirius from now on, how he would do it, what he would tell him, and how he would feel.

Sad. Hurt.

Apparently Remus looked troubled, because Madam Pomfrey said, with concern, “You don’t have to think about it now, Mr. Lupin."

Remus looked up at Poppy and tried to smile.

~~~

_Dear nephew,_

_By the time you get this, your Christmas holidays will almost be over so please try to stay away from trouble or at least away from getting caught causing trouble on the next term._

_Do well in your studies, enjoy yourself. I promise I’ll go visit you once summer break starts, and remember I’m still very proud of you._

_Uncle Alphard_

_P.S. Tell your friend that the silver is a rare type they discovered recently that is supposedly great for repelling werewolves. Not that you’ll need protection from any werewolves at Hogwarts, but pretty cool, no?_

“Brilliant!” Sirius said as he finished the letter. The first thing he did was tell James about it.

James didn’t seem to share his excitement. He looked worried and thoughtful. “How long has Remus been sick?” he asked Sirius after checking the letter again.  
Sirius tilted his head a bit to the side, thinking the question odd. It was true that Remus had been looking sicker lately, or at least seemed to be sicker all the time contrary to every once in a while. “Around when you came back I suppose, after Christmas.”

James pursed his lips. “I mean, haven’t you noticed? He’s been acting weird. He already was sick when I got here.”

Sirius blinked. “I… I did notice, but he said he was fine, and with his recent visit to his mom, I just thought he caught what she had,” he finished, and suddenly looked alarmed. When had Remus started to get sick? Before James came back early, after Christmas. No. On Christmas.

He remembered Remus falling.

_"Remus, are you all right? Can you stand?"_

_"I think so. It was just a dizzy spell."_

It was true, what James said. Remus had been acting odd. He just started looking sick recently and, Sirius had been too happy with his first fun Christmas to really notice how bad it really was. “He said he was fine.”

James picked up his book bag and pulled a red book from it. “I’ve been thinking, about Remus. After this morning I went to the library to get some books while you waited at the infirmary. The late night disappearances, his being sick and now…” Sirius paced in front of him. James read the letter again. “Haven’t you noticed that he’s sick around you?”

“How is Remus being sick my fault?”

James stood from his chair. “Why was he on your bed, Sirius? What was he trying to do?”

“Why should I know?”

“I believe Remus was trying to steal your necklace.” Sirius opened his mouth, but before he could ask why, James spoke up. “Remus looked dead this morning, Sirius. You saw him. After you left, he got better. Then when you came back he wasn’t.”

Sirius stared at James. “What are you saying?”

James handed Sirius the letter and showed him the title of the book: Dark Creatures in the Wizarding World.

A shudder passed through Sirius, his hand going straight to the necklace around his neck. James said aloud what they were both thinking.

“I think Remus is a werewolf.”

~~~

Remus returned to the Gryffindor common room before lunch. He had been fine since he woke up, but he didn’t want to face Sirius, especially when he had no idea how the other boy had reacted when he found him on his bed. Unconscious, but he still had been on his bed. Pinned under him. Remus would happily go the rest of the day without facing Sirius.

He went up the stairs up to the dorm and halfway through he remembered that he couldn’t stay with Sirius and James anymore and that he hadn’t packed up his things yet. New term started the following day, and he wasn’t James and Sirius's roommate. When Remus got to the room, it was empty. This way was better, he thought as he packed his trunk. He will be back to his room and that way it would be easier to limit his interactions with Sirius for the rest of term or to find something that would stop the necklace from affecting him.

He left the room, leaving no trace of his presence behind. Once his things were back in his own room, he sat on his bed. He was hiding, and he didn’t like that one bit. He also hadn’t had breakfast yet and was very hungry. He would have to face Sirius sooner or later, after all. He left the room and went searching for Sirius and James; they were nowhere to be found.

But Remus had made up his mind to face Sirius, so he searched. In the Great Hall, the Quidditch pitch, the dungeons, all the usual spots, and found them in the least likely place: the corridor between Gryffindor Tower and the library.

James hugged a few books to his chest, big books, old looking and darkish. If Remus had been more attentive, he would have noticed James was purposely hiding the titles from him. Sirius, on the other hand, had no books, but the small smile of someone who doesn't know what to say. There was an awkward silence. Awkward glances. Everything was awkward. James hugged the books tighter, Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again, and Remus was trying to get words out of his mouth.

Remus stared at Sirius. Standing just a few feet from him. Something in the corner of his mind kept telling his him something was different, but he couldn’t figure exactly what. James spoke. “Feeling better, Remus?”

“Yes,” said Remus, his eyes never wavering off Sirius. James knew when he was a third wheel.

“I’ll be at the Great Hall,” he said out loud to no one in particular before leaving.

Sirius blinked and Remus spoke, the words pouring out of him. Lies. “I’m sorry about this morning. I wasn’t feeling well last night and had to use the restroom, when I got back I was so tired I must have slipped on your bed. Madam Pomfrey said I ate something that knocked me out. Sorry if I freaked you out--"  
Sirius moved forward suddenly, stunning Remus into silence, and lashed out forward with his arm. Remus stepped backward until his back was pressed to the wall. Sirius's knuckles grazed the wall, his arm just a few centimeters away from Remus head. Remus was trapped between Sirius and the wall. He was forced to look up.

Sirius gazed downwards, his bangs getting in front of his eyes and his eyes matching Remus’s. “You wouldn’t wake up, Remus,” he tried to say. “You looked dead… You scared me.” All these things were on the tip of his tongue, but they were all overshadowed by six words: 'I think Remus is a werewolf”. Remus. Quiet, don’t-bother-me, set-a-good-example-for-the-first-years Remus was a werewolf. Impossible. It couldn’t be true.

“Oh, that’s okay,” said Sirius finally, stepping away slowly. “Glad you're feeling better.”

“Thanks,” said Remus cautiously. “Erm… Did you eat lunch already?”

Sirius apparently was glad with the change of topic. “No. Did you?”

“No.”

Sirius grinned. “Then I think we better hurry before James eats it all.”

They headed down the corridor. Remus felt the huge lump on his throat disappear and the sense of dread melt away. He had faced Sirius, apologized, and Sirius was still talking to him. When they reached the Great Hall, Remus noticed what his brain had been trying to tell him when he first approached Sirius, what felt different. He’d been near Sirius for a couple of minutes now, and he didn’t feel sleepy or dizzy, and bile didn’t rise up his throat. He felt nothing at all. James called them over to where he was sitting, and on contrary to Sirius’s words, he hadn’t eaten it all by himself. As they sat down on opposite sides, he took a good look at Sirius’s neck. The necklace was gone.


	11. wolf

“Well, he certainly looks better,” James said three days later, hand firm on the wall for support.

“Maybe he’s just better,” Sirius said, looking over James's shoulder.

Both boys kept themselves hidden a few steps up the stairs of the boys dorm, well hidden behind a wall and intently watching the subject of their discussion. Remus was sitting in one of the big cushions by the fire of the Gryffindor common room with some of his homework lying around while he waited for James and Sirius to go down for breakfast.

“Maybe it’s because you stopped wearing that necklace,” James added, to which Sirius frowned.

“I think I should put it on again, see what happens…”

“Tonight’s the full moon; it could be more dangerous.”

“But we're not even sure Remus is a…you know.”

“A werewolf?” James pointed out.

“Yeah,” Sirius said under his breath and frowned again. He didn’t know what to do. What was probably the greatest gift he’d ever received was now hidden away in a box in the bottom of his trunk because there was a possibility that it was making Remus sick. James seemed convinced that Remus was a werewolf.

Sirius shook his head. Remus was just too nice to be a werewolf. There was something inside of him that refused to accept the possibility even if all the clues pointed to it. Remus was too nice, it couldn’t be; but being mean or nice had nothing to do with being a werewolf.

“C’mon,” James said. “Let’s go to breakfast.”

\-------

Breakfast and the morning classes passed without incident or mention of the full moon. If memory served Sirius right, nightfall happened around half an hour before curfew. By lunch Remus’ good mood seemed to be at an all-time high, even after they had disastrous results during Potions. 

“What are we going to do after dinner?” Remus asked casually after fifth period. James tilted his head in mild curiosity. Remus had never asked what they would be up to before. 

“Well,” James nodded, "we’ll be going to the library.”

“The library?” Sirius snapped. “What are we going to do-“

“Yes, the library,” James repeated very sternly, giving Sirius a deep look. “We need to go to the library because we have to finish that essay for Divination, don’t you remember, Sirius?”

Sirius stood there, slightly perplexed, then his eyes got bright and he nodded. “Yes, that essay, I had almost forgotten about it, stupid stars.”

“Oh,” Remus said holding the books in his hands a little closer. “Okay.” He walked on, looking as if he was considering this thoroughly. James and Sirius lowered their pace until there was enough space between them and Remus.

“Why are we going to the library? We have no Divination essay, just a stupid list we have to make and all those star thingies,” Sirius whispered so that Remus wouldn’t hear.

“Curfew is after dark, and if we have essays to do we need to stay in the library until they kick us out,” James whispered back. “If Remus is a werewolf, he won’t be able to stay.”

“Oh,” Sirius said. He thought about this sudden plan, took a deep breath, then sped up until he caught up with Remus.

\-------

The library was quiet. Too quiet. Sirius stared at his homework, wondering how he would be able to do it when it was so quiet. After three years doing his homework in the common room, along with the common room noise, the absolute quiet of the library was making him lose all his concentration. James, on the other hand, seemed to be enjoying the newfound silence and was almost finished with his work. 

Remus kept his eyes attached to the pages of a book. Calm and quiet, nothing out of the ordinary considering that Sirius was sure the moon would rise in around twenty minutes. James's theory was quickly going down the drain, and Sirius drew a bit of happiness at the thought. In twenty minutes it would all be over and James would have to drop all the werewolf nonsense, and Sirius could go back to wearing his necklace. Then all three of them could start causing chaos again among the Slytherins. Especially Snivellus.

A book suddenly slammed shut across from him. Well, not so much slammed; the book was just closed shut, but with all the absence of noise it might as well have been slammed. 

“Eh,” Remus almost whispered to keep the silence in the library. “I’m a little tired, I think I’m going to head to bed early.”

Sirius blinked and stared. James looked up from his work, feigning little interest. “Oh, really?” he said calmly. “It’s not even dark out yet.”

“Yes, well.” Remus scrambled for his book bag and tried to put his book inside. “I think I had too much dinner, and well, I’ll just be going to bed early.” 

“Oh,” James nodded, “of course, I’m sure Sirius can manage on his own.”

“Hey!” Sirius burst, and Remus gave him a ‘don’t raise your voice in the library’ look. He pouted and lowered his voice. “I can manage quite well on my own, it’s not like this is hard.”

Remus looked from Sirius to James and vice versa. “You’re going to stay here until they close, right?” he asked cautiously.

James kept his voice neutral. “Yes, we will.”

“Ok, then, see you tomorrow then.” Remus put his bag over his shoulder, lingered a bit, then left the library. Sirius' eyes followed him all the way then settled on James as worry started to sink in. 

“He could really have a stomach ache,” Sirius said, knowing that he didn’t actually believe the words.

James wrote some more on his homework. “We’ll look for him first thing tomorrow. I read that there are usually scars left over that last a few hours after a transformation.”

Sirius nodded, made a weird sound, then closed his own book. “I need to know,” he announced, completely ignoring the ‘silence in the library’ rule. “I need to know now.”

James stopped writing. 

“Are you coming?” Sirius asked, putting his book bag over his shoulder.

“No,” James said, and Sirius blinked then started to leave. He paused by the door, then ran back to James. “Can I borrow it, then?” he asked, making signs with his hands. “You know, that thing.”

James eyes widened a bit, but he hid it. “Sure, but if you lose or damage it, you’ll have to give me your firstborn.” 

“Deal,” Sirius said and left the library.

\-------

Remus threw his book bag on top of his bed and ran back out and down the stairs. He had waited to see whether Sirius or James left the library in case he needed to accidentally lose them, since he had chickened out on the ‘mom’s sick’ excuse, but James and Sirius hadn’t left and he had ran out of time. He was very lucky, though, that Sirius and James had an essay to do and had to stay in the library, giving him enough time to make his escape without being noticed. He was never this lucky. He quickened his pace, knowing Madam Pomfrey was waiting for him by the castle gates, and ran across the common room and out the portrait hole, concentrating solely on not colliding with anybody. So determined he was that he didn’t notice the familiar black hair and pose of his friend standing in the common room. 

\-------

Sirius gaped as he watched Remus run past and out of the Gryffindor common room. He had chased after him when he had left the library, sighing in relief when Remus had gone to the common room and frowning with dread when he had seen him run back out. Acting quickly and making up his mind, Sirius ran to his room and opened his trunk, almost tumbling all the contents inside until he found what he was looking for, then he dived under James's bed for the other thing, hid it in his pocket and ran back down. Outside the portrait he asked a few girls who had been hanging around whether they had seen Remus and which way had he gone. They said that Remus had gone down the stairs and towards the main corridor which lead to the castle entrance, the dungeons and other classrooms. Sirius' best bet was the castle entrance, and, knowing Remus, he would want to avoid crowds, which led to another route which Sirius himself had showed the other Gryffindor; but Sirius knew a shortcut Remus didn’t know, and, unlike Remus, Sirius didn’t care about running towards his destination.

\-------

Remus walked fast because no matter how late it might be, running was not in his system. Especially not running inside school halls. He was happy Sirius had showed him this route, which was a bit longer than the normal route but student free so that he could almost run without worrying. 

Then he heard footsteps.

Remus stopped and glanced behind him to find the hall empty and quiet. He looked around and saw nothing even though he couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was or had been there. He ran for real this time; noises in empty halls inside a magical castle made his imagination run wild, and right now his imagination kept telling him someone or something was trying to sneak up on him. 

He heard the footsteps again. 

Remus turned around again and met an empty hall once more. He took a deep breath and told his brain to calm down and stop imagining things. He turned around, determined to make it to the castle gates this time without looking back, and instead froze on the spot and took a long, shuddering breath.

“Sirius?” 

The dark haired boy blinked and stepped closer to Remus. “You said you were going to bed,” Sirius said. 

Remus cringed, and not just because the words sounded accusatory, but because the silver necklace was back on Sirius’ neck. He had had high hopes to never see that thing again. Sirius had stopped wearing it for no particular reason, and Remus had assumed a teacher had told him he couldn’t wear it around school, which was a perfectly good reasoning; the thing attracted way too much attention. But now it was back, and Remus could feel the effects of it immediately.

“Forgot I had to see Madam Pomfrey,” Remus said as he took a deep breath and stepped forward, trying to walk past Sirius. Sirius grabbed his arm as he passed, and bile rose up Remus' throat from the silver of the necklace.

Remus stared at the window and the approaching darkness. 

“Why do you keep staring out the window, Remus?” Sirius asked in a suppressed voice.

“Please let go of me, Sirius,” Remus said calmly. “Please.”

Sirius didn’t let go. The sky outside the window was turning from golden pink to grayish; the sun almost gone.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Sirius asked again. 

Remus stared at the window and back at Sirius, meeting his grey eyes and shaking his head slowly. “No. Just let go, Sirius,” he pleaded.

Unexpectedly, Sirius relaxed a bit, loosening his grip just slightly. Remus sighed in relief, then suddenly, the grip tightened again and Sirius pulled him forward, wrapping his arms around Remus' shoulders. “Are you really?” he whispered, but the words remained unheard. The necklace touched Remus' face. He screamed.

There was suddenly three feet between them. Remus' whole body was shaking and he took breath after breath, trying to calm his heart. The pocket inside his robes had torn during the struggle to get away, and on the floor laid the lunarscope, bright words shining on its surface: FULL MOON.

Remus' eyes widened in fear and he gave a step back. Sirius stared at the lunarscope then back at Remus, glancing at the window and touching his necklace. It all made sense now. 

His mouth opened and closed, a single word leaving his lips, whispered.

“Werewolf.”

Remus started shaking his head and he bit his lower lip, his face filling with anguish. Then, without saying a word, he turned around and ran down the hall.

For a few moments Sirius stood motionless, watching Remus run until he couldn’t see him anymore. His fingers pressed against his palm. Remus was a werewolf. A werewolf. Tonight was the full moon. He had two choices: He could go back to the dorms and wait to look for Remus in the morning with James, or he could… 

Sirius swore and snatched James's invisibility cloak from where he had left it on the floor. Then, after picking the lunarscope, he bolted right after Remus. 

\-------

The cold night air made Sirius shiver even under the invisibility cloak. He had reached the front doors and after peering outside saw two figures moving hastily across the grounds; he followed them. He shivered again under the cloak, the sky almost completely dark now but still no sign of the moon anywhere. He walked faster, trying to catch up with the two figures after they had disappeared beyond the top of a hill. He tripped when his foot hit a rock and had to quickly pull the cloak over himself again. When he finally reached the top of the hill, he saw the two figures walking calmly straight towards the Whomping Willow. Sirius swallowed the urge to scream at them to be careful and instead hurriedly ran down the path, keeping his eyes firm on the ground so he wouldn’t trip again, and when he finally looked back up again, the willow was motionless and only the taller of the two figures remained. 

Sirius kept his distance, wondering where Remus had gone. Then suddenly Madam Pomfrey turned and started towards him. Sirius moved silently out of her path and watched her cautiously as she returned to the castle. He blinked and looked towards the willow again and approached it carefully. Without notice it suddenly moved and swiped one of its massive branches at him, missing him by just a few inches. Sirius fell back and let the cloak fall from his shoulders. He stared at the moving tree, knowing that Remus had disappeared somewhere close to it. He was sure of that. 

Sirius pulled the cloak back over his head, disappearing under it. He then took his wand and the lunarscope from his pocket, casting a warming charm on himself then starring at the small object in his hand which still spelled the words FULL MOON on it. He twisted it between his fingers and put it back in his pocket, feeling the charm’s effects. As the warmth settled on his body, he sat on the ground and settled in for a long night.

A few minutes later he saw the moon high on the sky, bright and mesmerizing. The wind blew, and Sirius could swear that far far away he had heard a wolf howl.


	12. daybreak

Remus woke at the first hints of sunlight, and felt nothing but pain. Everything hurt and all he could see was blood. He thought briefly that maybe this time he had finally done it, that maybe this was the morning when he realized the wolf had had enough of being trapped and done enough damage to kill him. Remus closed his eyes and wished vaguely for sleep to take him again, but it would have just delayed the inevitable. Sirius knew what he was.

_‘Werewolf’_

Sirius's voice sounded hollow in his memory. Just one word and Remus’s world had shattered all over again. After Sirius had said that word, Remus wasn't able to bear it. The hurt had threatened to rise from his chest and expose itself. He couldn’t stand the look in Sirius’s eyes, so instead he had ran away. 

Out of nowhere Remus heard footsteps, and he thought of how unlikely it was for them to be real. It was too early for anyone to come and check on him. He closed his eyes for a second, listening to the noise get closer, and when he opened them again, Sirius was standing at the doorway of the room, his face unreadable.

“Great, I’m hallucinating,” Remus thought, closing his eyes once more and allowing himself to drift in and out of consciousness. When he opened them again, just as he expected, Sirius was no longer there. Remus frowned a little at his brain for returning to reality so quickly. An imaginary Sirius was better than no Sirius at all. Stupid, stupid rational brain.

Remus eventually realized that he was not dying, and with all his strength pushed himself off the floor and dressed as best he could before starting on his way back to Hogwarts. The tunnel felt a little longer than usual, but that too eventually passed. Remus took a deep breath once he was outside that made everything in his body hurt again. He stared at the empty grounds and the castle ahead, feeling sad at the thought of having to leave. Maybe if he had been more careful around Sirius and James. Maybe if he had thought of better excuses for his disappearances. Maybe then he'd have their smiling faces to go back to. 

Remus sighed and gave a step forward, the tip of his foot hitting a small rock that caused him to lose his footing. He hit the ground with a loud thud, a gasp of pain escaping his lips. Remus bit his lower lip and shut his eyes when he felt the tears burning under his eyes. It was too much. Too much he had bottled up. Sirius's discovering of what he was, being what he was, and pain pain pain, so much pain, and to be alone for all of it. It was too much. The tears burst out of him without control, and for the first time in Remus's life, he wished he'd died. 

\---

Sirius stared.

His feet felt frozen to the spot. Hidden under the invisibility cloak in the chilly morning air, he had stayed vigil for the entire night close to the Whomping Willow, finally getting enough courage to approach it once the sun had risen. It was trial and error, and the tree managed to throw him back three times, but he was persistent and eventually gained access to the tunnel hidden beneath.

Sirius's heart had threatened to beat out of his chest as he reached the shack and went up the stairs. He didn't know what he would find. His shaky footsteps crossed the distance from the stairs to the room where they had found those claw marks. Marks he realized now had surely been made by Remus. 

The door was open. Sirius looked inside the room and his breath caught in his throat for a second. And before he'd realized what had happened, he was back out on the grounds, taking sharp breaths of fresh air, his body shaking involuntarily. There had been so much blood, how could anyone survive through that? How could anyone live like that? 

Suddenly Sirius wanted to hit himself. _Idiot idiot idiot_ , he cursed at himself. How could he be here, hiding under an invisibility cloak, when Remus was somewhere else, hurt, bleeding and alone?

He had to go back.

Sirius started retracing his steps and was only a small distance away from the Whomping Willow when he saw movement at its base, and a small lump covered in black robes stepping up from the hole in the ground.

Remus. 

Sirius froze for a minute. He saw Remus trip and fall, his small yelp of pain hitting Sirius like a full blow. But the sound that came after pierced through him even more. Remus's soft sobs tore him up and that's when Sirius knew. 

Knew that he didn't care. 

He didn't care that Remus was a werewolf. 

Didn't care that Remus was a boy.

He loved Remus.

This uncontrollable urge to help him, protect him, defend him, see him smile, to see him happy.

It was love.

He knew. He was sure. Sirius took a deep breath and walked forward.

\---

Remus raised his head when he heard footsteps and his eyes slowly widened when he saw Sirius standing in front of him just a few feet away. For a second he thought he was still hallucinating, just as he had at the shack, but as Sirius walked closer towards him he knew this Sirius was very, very real. 

“Sir-” he tried to say the older boy's name, but his throat closed, his voice choked by his own uncontrollable sob. It couldn't be worse, could it? Remus couldn't remember ever crying over his predicament. Not once. He hated that Sirius was a witness to this. 

Ignoring the part of his brain that desired to crawl back inside the tunnel and disappear, Remus tried to stand up, pressing his torn palms against the ground and pushing. He was almost up when one of his legs betrayed him and folded. Gravity did its job and forced his body back to the ground, but this time he didn't fall. A tight arm was around his waist, holding him, supporting him. 

Remus looked up and met Sirius's eyes. They sparked with something that Remus had seen before in his mother's eyes, something similar, but still very different. He couldn't think. Because Sirius was pulling him up and helping him stand straight, the arm around his waist held him tighter as he felt Sirius's body press against his own. Remus was confused when he looked at Sirius's eyes again, when Sirius's hand gently pushed Remus's bangs away from his face. 

“Are you all right?” Sirius asked. Remus simply blinked. 

Remus came to the slow realization that Sirius was touching his face now and that it didn't hurt even if it should. 

“I-” Remus tried to say, but stopped when he couldn't think of anything except that Sirius's hand was touching him. That Sirius wasn't scared or repulsed by him. By what he was.

Remus sighed in relief and barely reacted when Sirius suddenly wrapped his arms around his neck and hugged him. 

“I'll take you to the infirmary,” Sirius whispered close to Remus's ear. "Everything will be fine, I promise.”

Remus believed him. 

And for one second before Sirius released him and took his arm. Before they started their way back to Hogwarts. Before he was safe in the infirmary.

Before all that.

Remus could have sworn he felt Sirius's lips press against his neck and kiss him.


	13. touching

James and Sirius wanted to know everything. Remus thought it was a little daunting and quite scary to reveal something he'd kept hidden for all his life, but both James and Sirius had cornered him when he got back to the common room after he'd left the infirmary. Sirius had taken Remus' hand and had dragged him towards the couch in front of the fire where he made Remus sit in the middle so he and James could sit on both sides. 

“Tell us everything,” James said, his face eager and honest. 

Remus gulped audibly, turning his head from James to Sirius, his mouth opening and closing involuntarily. “I'm tired,” he suddenly said, when he couldn't think of anything else.

James and Sirius blinked in unison. Then smirked. “Nobody's getting any sleep until you tell us,” James said, and Sirius nodded, inching closer to Remus, closer than James, closer than what was considered 'friendly boundaries'. Remus wasn't bothered by it. 

Seeing no way out, Remus sighed loudly, took a deep breath and started telling his story. What his father did, why he got bitten, how much it hurt to transform, how awful it was when he woke up, and how he never remembered any of it. 

There was a deep silence once he was finished. James sat back against the end of the couch, seemingly deep in thought. Sirius inched even closer still, quiet, his fingers lightly touching Remus's hand. Remus found the contact comforting. To him, it was the same as if Sirius were voicing his acceptance of him and his condition, and maybe something else. Something that Remus couldn't quite put his finger on. He only knew he wanted more. 

“Ok. No problem,” James suddenly said. Remus turned to look at him, and Sirius moved his fingers back. 

“No problem what?” Remus asked.

“The werewolf thing. No problem.” 

“Really?” Remus asked, disbelieving.

“Really.” James nodded firmly.

“Sirius?” Remus turned towards him, eyes careful, wanting.

Sirius mouth broke into a smile. “You already know I don't care about that.”

Remus had the impulse to throw his arms around Sirius's neck and hug him, but suddenly felt uncomfortable at the thought of James being there to see it and stopped himself. Instead, he smiled.

“Sleep now?” James asked with a grin, standing and heading towards the stairs. Sirius and Remus followed close behind, side by side. James hummed an unknown tune as they went, and halfway through Sirius put his arm over Remus's shoulder. There was nothing foreign or odd about it. Instead, Remus felt utterly grateful for the warmth, the closeness, and subconsciously leaned against Sirius until it was time to part ways. When they did, Remus felt the loss, knew that he wanted the touch, needed it. He just didn't know why.

\---

It became almost a game. The touching.

Sirius would find ways for his skin to come in contact with Remus's. Brushing against him as he reached to grab something across the table. Touching Remus's scars whenever he saw them, asking questions about them. Sitting closer than necessary when they were studying. Grabbing Remus's wrist or hand and dragging him when they were late for class. 

Remus played too. Intentionally forgetting his quill so he would have to ask Sirius for one so their fingers would touch. Leaning against Sirius when he felt sleepy. 

And even so. They were very subtle, as if the game was one that only they understood. Sirius worried above everything else. Worried about the consequences, about what could happen. He knew what it meant to love Remus. The implications, the ostracization; being disown was a guaranteed. He also knew that Remus didn't understand the full meaning of Sirius's touch, those bittersweet teenage impulses.

Sirius wanted to tell Remus more than anything that he loved him. That he wanted more than simple touches and brushes of fingers. But even if Remus returned those touches, even if he seemed to accept them, even if his face broke into a smile when he saw Sirius...

Sirius thought it was too wonderful. Too impossible. Could he really be that lucky?

He was so afraid to do more. To risk losing what he had already. Everything he'd done so far could be taken as sign of a really strong friendship combined with just being a teenager. But he also knew that the longer he didn't do anything, the sooner he would go mad and probably do something really, really stupid and so much worse.

Lucky for Sirius, James was paying attention to his best friend's apparent suffering. Though it was more that James was afraid Sirius would start humping a tree out of sheer desperation, he decided he had to do something, so that very night he sat Sirius and Remus down in the empty common room. 

"We have a problem," James announced, crossing his arms around his chest and pouting slightly.. 

“We do?” Remus asked, his fingers curling subconsciously, his eyes worried. 

James noticed. “And it has nothing to do with you being a-” James paused for a second, not wanting to say werewolf in case someone came in, so instead he made his hands like claws and bared his teeth. "-A grrrr." Remus relaxed against the couch, the momentary worry forgotten.

“So what kind of problem is it?” Sirius asked, leaning against Remus as he did so.

“It's kind of your problem, Sirius,” James revealed, “something to do with Remus.”

Remus blinked blankly at James and tilted his head a little, not understanding what could possibly be a problem between him and Sirius. Beside him, Sirius's eyes had widened considerably at James, who was grinning a little evilly because of the look on Sirius's face.

“What is the problem with Sirius?” Remus asked innocently. The words became instant fear on Sirius' ears.

“The problem,” James started to say, and just then Sirius gave him a panicked, desperate look. _Please don't tell. Please don't tell._ James opened his mouth and closed it. He sighed. "The problem is Sirius hasn't done his part in helping you, Remus, officially become part of our gang,” James concocted on the last second. Sirius took a deep, silent breath of relief.

They spent a few more minutes planning what they could do to 'initiate' Remus, but eventually sleepiness won out and they decided to halt their planning until the next day.

Remus waved goodbye at them where they parted ways, and Sirius, like always, kept starring at the spot Remus had once been longer than necessary. 

“You are going to do something,” James said in Sirius's ear, making Sirius jump and turn quickly to meet James's frowning face. “I don't care what it is,” James continued, “but you are doing something about Remus. I don't care if you tell him, or dump him, or just randomly grab his face and kiss him. But you have to do something before I go insane from watching you go insane. Got it?”

Sirius blinked, gulped, and nodded once.

James backed away slightly and started to turn around to go to their room. “Soon,” he added before starting up the stairs. “If you don't do something soon, I will,” he finished and disappeared around the spiral staircase.

Sirius leaned against the wall, glancing momentarily at Remus's door, wondering what the heck he was going to do. He had no idea. He only knew he had to do something, just like James had said, because Remus deserved at least that, and there was no way he was letting James do it for him. If anybody told Remus that Sirius loved him, it was going to be Sirius himself.


	14. the first prank

James hadn't set a specific date to when he would tell Remus about Sirius's feelings if Sirius failed in doing it first. So Sirius wasn't too worried as long as he could control himself enough not to drive James insane with his own insanity. He developed a good breathing strategy that he went through every time before he would see Remus, and so far it was working. That, and he had other things to worry about, like planning Remus's prank to get him 'initiated' into their now apparent gang. Said gang confused Sirius a little and he had to have some words with James about that.

“Since when do we have a gang?” Sirius asked James one day in Divination while Remus was in his Muggle Studies class.

James glanced at him briefly before answering. “Since it was the only thing I could come up with after one second of brainstorming,” he said with a small grin. “Besides,” he added. “I've always wanted a gang.”

Sirius hit his head against the desk and groaned. 

“Something the matter, Mr. Black?” the professor asked when she saw him.

Sirius just waved his hand around in the air randomly, “Everything is perfect, except that my life is over,” he moaned helplessly.

“Well, I'm sure Mr. Potter can help you with that,” the professor said and walked away, continuing the class.

Sirius heard James snicker under his breath and mutter something that sounded like, “I think Sirius would prefer if Mr. Lupin helped him with that.”

Sirius gave James a warning glance and slammed his head against the desk again. 

After dinner Sirius took the opportunity to escape with Remus while James was conveniently distracted by Lily Evans. Once they were sitting down, Sirius grabbed the first book he saw and opened it in the pretense of studying. He slid his chair as close to Remus's as he dared and leaned in close. 

Remus watched intently as Sirius did all these little things and smiled slowly. “Are we doing some planning?” he asked.

“Planning?” Sirius repeated somewhat startled. Remus blinked at him. 

“Oh, yes! Planning. For the prank. Yes. Planning,” he added nervously. 

“Sirius, are you all right?” Remus asked with concern. “You look” – he licked his lips as he searched for the word – “preoccupied.”

Sirius met Remus's eyes, saw his tongue run across his lips, and subconsciously imitated the action. Remus blinked again, and Sirius suddenly stopped himself, noticing how he was a good three inches closer to Remus's face than he had been before. He swallowed hard and retreated as his heart skipped a beat. “I'm fine,” he lied, pretending to look at the book again. 

Remus released a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. “Planning?” he asked tentatively when he couldn't think of anything else to say. 

“Yes!” Sirius said a little too loudly and got a warning glare from the librarian. 

Remus laughed softly and it drew Sirius in like a beacon. For the second time in the last five minutes Sirius found himself leaning towards Remus, specifically towards Remus's lips. Sirius had the sudden realization that he had every intention to kiss Remus, right here, right now, in front of everyone, and he didn't care. He was so close that he could feel Remus's breath on his face. Now he just had to close that final inch and-

Someone cleared their throat rather on purpose and rather loudly behind them. Remus reacted first, pulling away from Sirius so fast that his chair made an audible whine from the movement. Sirius glanced at the source of the interruption and met with the librarian's eyes that clearly screamed: 'What the heck do you think you are doing?' Sirius half glared, half pouted at her. He tried to look at the book again and noticed Remus was staring intently down at his lap, his face a flushed red. 

Sirius bit his lip and decided it would be best to not try anything else for now. The library really wasn't the best place for this. Besides, the moment was lost thanks to the glaring eyes of the librarian. Remus was still staring down at his lap, his face still flushed, so Sirius deliberately started suggesting prank ideas. Remus went along with him, and even started suggesting some of his own. 

“I know! I know!” Sirius said with excitement a few minutes later, quickly glancing towards the direction of the librarian, who had thankfully missed his outburst. “A few months ago,“ he started telling Remus as he lowered his voice, “me and James made this weird kind of candy ball that if thrown in water it would dissolve and look like worms.” 

“Is it poisonous?” Remus asked.

“No, of course not.”

Remus pursed his lips in thought. “So you want to put this candy thing in someone's drink?” he asked even if he knew the answer. 

“Not someone,” Sirius said. “A Slytherin's drink, preferably Snivellus.” 

Remus remembered the skinny dark-haired boy, the one whose hair Sirius had turned a bright bubblegum pink, and remembered his horrendous encounter with Lucius Malfoy because of it. He felt queasy as the memory surfaced, could almost feel the ghost of the bruise on his face. “So you want to put the candy thing in his drink?” Remus asked.

“No.” Sirius grinned. “ _You_ are going to put it in his drink,” he said as he put an arm over Remus's shoulders. “It wouldn't be much of an initiation if you didn't do the prank.” 

Remus gulped. He wasn't too keen on the idea of actually doing a prank. Any prank. On anybody, for that matter. But he also knew that there was no way he was not doing it. There was no way he was risking alienating himself from James and Sirius, even if he knew they would never do that to him if he said no to doing the prank. He just wasn't going to risk it. 

\---

They decided not to tell James. Sirius showed Remus the little blue ball, no bigger than the nail on his little finger, with the potion and put it in his pocket for when the time came. The next day they sat at breakfast. James was in an unusually good mood, all due to the fact that he had managed to sit beside Lily, who was in an apparent foul mood because James was sitting beside her. 

Sirius and Remus sat beside him. Sirius munched on his toast with delight at the same time as he picked random bits of food, “Have you tried this?” he asked Remus, whose usual answer was 'no', and Sirius would put the bit on Remus's plate. Remus would try the new food with wariness since he highly doubted Sirius's palette, but so far so good. 

Snickering suddenly caught Remus's attention and he looked up to see Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and a few others whose names Remus didn't know, sitting at the Slytherin table right in front of him. The idea struck Remus almost instantly, and without even giving his brain or ethics a chance to protest he tugged at Sirius's sleeve. “Give me the potion,” he hissed under his breath. Sirius blinked and without asking any questions searched through his pocket and extracted the small blue ball and placed it on Remus's open palm. Remus rested the ball between his index and middle fingers, looking at it intently, then looked beyond it to where Snape was sitting. Remus heard Lucius Malfoy's laughter then, greedy and egotistical, and Remus felt something nasty rise in him, remembered Lucius's fist as it hit his face. Remus moved with that memory, changed his line of vision slightly and with force and intent flicked the little ball high in the air where it landed swiftly in Lucius Malfoy's glass of water. 

Remus felt Sirius gripping his shoulder excitedly as they both waited for what came next. They didn't have to wait long. Lucius took a sip of his water and instantly saw the fake snakes coiling in it. His eyes went wide with disgust and he threw the glass aside, which fell mostly on Snape, and spat the rest, which sprayed the rest of the Slytherins at the table. All this as he screamed frantically, and rather like a crazy person. This was followed by some scrambling and more yelling from Lucius's part about 'worms in the water', and his Slytherin gang confidently telling him that there was nothing in his water. It was such a scene that soon most of the Great Hall was laughing or staring at them.

Remus heard Sirius's hearty laughter in his ear and he smiled at the same time as he tried to keep himself as inconspicuous as possible as the source of the chaos. James's head popped in between them, a wide grin on his face. “Well done, boys,” he said with a degree of pride as he patted Sirius and Remus in the back. 

It took McGonagall and three other professors, as well as Lucius and the other Slytherins to be escorted out, before things calmed down. The remainder of breakfast was spent leisurely with Sirius still trying to feed Remus new foods as James mused about the brilliantness of the prank. Remus smiled through it all. Feeling like he belonged. Feeling at long last that he was home.

\---

The rest of the month was spent in relative bliss and passed all too quickly. Sirius still hadn't gotten the nerve to tell Remus how he felt, but at least he had it under control enough that James wasn't threatening to tell Remus himself. But Sirius knew that that wouldn't last for long, because everyday he resisted, the urge became stronger and stronger to do something. The pain in his heart sharper. Soon, just being by Remus's side, seeing his smile, soon that wouldn't be enough.

“Want to do the homework in the common room tonight?” he asked Remus, as he always did after class had ended and they were on their way to drop their book bags in the dormitory. 

“I can't,” Remus answered and Sirius's face fell. Remus noticed and quickly leaned towards Sirius and lowered his voice. “Tonight's a full moon remember?” 

“Oh, right,” Sirius said and nodded. 

After dinner Remus hung out with Sirius and James until it was time to leave, about half an hour before sundown. “So,” Remus drawled slowly, not sure what to say since it was the first time he ever did this. 

“We'll come visit you in the morning,” James said, sparing Remus from the awkwardness of the moment. Sirius didn't add anything, apparently lost in his own world. James smacked him on the back of the head with a parchment. “Hey! Remus is leaving. Say goodbye, you twit.” 

Sirius blinked and looked up towards Remus and mustered a soft “bye” that cause Remus's face to look a tad sadder as he waved and left. 

“Well done,” James said sarcastically, and Sirius groaned as he ran his hands down his face and swore under his breath. “I'm not much of an expert,” James continued, “but I think you're doing it wrong.”

Sirius swore again, then jumped from his chair as if suddenly burned. “Let me borrow the cloak,” he asked James, who just nodded, and Sirius ran up the spiral staircase two steps at a time. He managed to catch up with Remus just as he was stepping onto the Hogwarts grounds with Pomfrey and followed silently. 

“I can go from here,” Remus said to Pomfrey when the tree became visible. She seemed a little hesitant, but let him go and started on her way back.

Remus continued on his way to the tree by himself as Sirius followed silently. Sirius itched with indecision. Should he or shouldn't he talk to Remus? He didn't exactly leave the Gryffindor common room with a plan, just a really strong urge to follow Remus and remove the frown he had caused. Remus got to the tree and made it stop, and that's when Sirius made up his mind and walked up to him, let the invisibility cloak fall to the ground, and grabbed Remus's upper arm before he disappeared under the tree. 

Remus yelped in surprise, and Sirius placed a hand over his mouth before the sound was audible enough for Pomfrey to hear if she was still in hearing range. “Sirius!” Remus said when Sirius removed the hand. “What are you doing here? It's dangerous!”

“I still got a good twenty minutes,” Sirius said with a half smile that didn't seem to help Remus's worry.

Remus met Sirius's eyes. “I,” he started to say as he bit his lip. He seemed to change his mind about his words, and took a deep yet soft breath. “I got to go, Sirius,” he said almost sadly.

A small lump formed in Sirius throat, and he suddenly remembered when he saw Remus lying bleeding and broken on the floor of the Shrieking Shack. Remembered when Remus told him it hurt every time he transformed. Without thinking about it Sirius moved, his hands suddenly on Remus's neck, slowly touching upwards until they cupped his face. Remus stared at him, speechless, with his brown, suddenly fathomless eyes. 

James's voice rang in his head: _“I don't care if you tell him, or dump him, or just randomly grab his face and kiss him.”_ And Sirius thought yes, yes, yes, and before Remus could react, before he could say anything, Sirius closed the space between them and kissed him right there in front of the Whomping Willow, ten minutes before sunset.


	15. possessive

Remus was very aware that Sirius was kissing him. Their lips pressing hard together, mouths opening slightly. Somewhere in his mind he tried to think, but every thought fluttered away before becoming coherent. There was only Sirius, Sirius's lips, Sirius's hands on his face.

A sudden sharp pain on the center of Remus's chest forced him to break the kiss and push Sirius away. Sirius's face fell instantly while Remus's eyes widened with fear. “I must go!” he said, and without wasting another moment ran towards the Whomping Willow and disappeared under its roots.

Remus ran as fast as his legs could carry him, the pain in his chest becoming sharper with each passing second. He clutched at his chest where it hurt the most, his feet almost stumbling as he tried to run faster. Somehow he made it to the Shack, but it still wasn't over. He needed to get to the bedroom and lock himself in. He couldn't transform here, it was too dangerous. Remus forced his body up the stairs, his goal in sight when he felt another sharp pain hit him that knocked him to his knees. He felt his body trembled, going through the first phase of the change.

For that moment it was as though Remus were two beings, the wolf on the verge of rising to the surface while Remus was still human. And for that breathless second it was as if the wolf were a separate consciousness inside Remus. It knew what Remus knew. Knew that if it transformed outside that room it would be free. That there was a tunnel under the house. A tunnel that led to freedom; and that at the end of that tunnel was a human he could eat.

“NO!” Remus yelled the word inside his head. “NO,” he yelled at the wolf inside him. “Sirius is mine! I won't let you have him!” With the last of his strength and mind, Remus forced his legs to stand and run the last steps towards the bedroom. He locked the door behind him with a loud click, immediately falling to his knees afterwards as he screamed. His body shaking, transforming. But even if his body screamed in pain, Remus smiled to himself with the last of his human consciousness. Sirius was safe. Sirius had kissed him. The wolf growled in his mind, angry. Remus growled back. “I won't ever let you hurt him.”

\--

Remus woke at the infirmary, and that in itself was a bad sign. He tried to move and couldn't; that was a worse sign. Remus stared at the ceiling for a bit, taking a deep breath, trying not to panic. “Hello?” he called, “is someone there?”

“I'm here, Remus,” Madam Pomfrey said quickly.

“I can't move,” Remus said.

“It's a spell. It's better if you don't move for now, you had a bad night.”

Remus frowned. He had suspected something like this might happen after his 'fight' with the wolf. “When will I be able to move?” he asked.

“I just need you to keep still for another hour or two.”

“All right,” he answered softly, and went back to staring at the ceiling. It was horrible, not being abel to move. Remus wished he would fall back to sleep, but his mind kept wandering and wouldn't let him. All he could think of was that kiss. He had been surprised, but at the same time he hadn't disliked it. It had actually been nice until he felt the wolf snap its eyes open and growl somewhere inside him.

What was he going to do? He couldn't pretend it hadn't happened. God! What if Sirius pretended it never happened? He wouldn't do that, right? The dark-haired boy had initiated it after all. He had to keep Sirius away from him so close to the full moon, too. How was he going to make that clear? What day was today? Friday? Wasn't there a test today? What if Sirius doesn't follow his advice and follows him into the willow one night? And what the hell was he going to tell his parents?

Enough.

Remus needed to stop thinking. He couldn't handle this right now. It was too many things. Too many thoughts. Calling Pomfrey over, he asked her to kindly give him something to make him fall asleep until it was time for him to leave.

\--

“Hey,” Sirius said with a half grin, when Remus woke up two hours later in an empty infirmary. “Bad night?”

Remus frowned. Sirius was completely oblivious of the danger he'd been last night, how closed he'd come to being on a werewolf's menu. Remus sat up, his body finally able to move. He glared at Sirius, who in turn tilted his head to the side in confusion.

Something snapped in Remus's head. “Idiot!” he said as he hit Sirius on the shoulder with his fist. “IdiotIdiotIdiot! You stupid enormous idiot!” Sirius blinked in confusion, his face suddenly worried as he grabbed Remus's shoulders, not even trying to avoid the punches.

“What's wrong, Remus?” he asked with concern, leaning closer. “Is it the kiss?” he added, suddenly going pale. “I'm sorry I kissed you. I won't do it again if you didn't like it.”

Remus froze for a moment. “The kiss? No! I liked that,” he said as he moved his head and clutched at Sirius's now bruised shoulders. “You - the full moon – are you insane?” he rambled, making less sense with each word. “It – I – knew you were out there. It wanted to eat you! What if it – I – hadn't made it to the room? What if I had gotten out of the Shack? I could've killed you!” Remus took a deep breath. “Next time you want to kiss me, do it when I might not kill you two minutes later!” he yelled, meeting Sirius's eyes, which blinked in return, bemused. “And why are you smiling?” Remus added. "I'm yelling at you.”

“You said you liked it,” Sirius said, his smile widening, and before Remus could start yelling again, Sirius leaned in, grabbed his face, and kissed him for a second time.

Remus hummphed against Sirius's lips and fought halfheartedly to push him away. But Sirius was nothing if not persistent, and Remus soon gave in, opening his mouth willingly, letting Sirius's lips brush his over and over.

“Stop kissing me,” Remus said in a muffled voice between kisses. “I'm angry at you.” Another kiss. “For being an idiot.”

“This is fun.” Sirius grinned after he'd kissed Remus into silence.

“Cheater,” Remus murmured. He knew he was in a losing battle. As he raised his eyes to meet Sirius's, he couldn't resist the urge to wrap his arms around Sirius's neck and hold as close as he could. It was so confusing. Yesterday everything was normal, or as normal as it was going to get for him, and now he wanted nothing more than to touch this boy and be touched by him. “Just promise to stay away from me during the full moon.”

For a second Remus was convinced that Sirius was going to shrug off his request, until those grey eyes met his and something changed in them. Suddenly, Sirius looked very solemn, straightforward. “I promise.”

Remus knew he was telling the truth.


	16. words

Gazing  
by Myka  
Chapter 16 – 'words'  
Pairing: Sirius/Remus  


\---

James was in what he liked to call, the ninth circle of hell. Not that he would ever admit it, and not as if he hadn’t predicted it either. He wasn’t blind after all. He knew. He saw.

For months now he had witnessed his best friend become a bumbling fool of love. Which was normal at their age - teenage hormones and all - but the circumstances surrounding it had been all but normal.

He had lost track of two friends instead of one. The lost time on prank planning was acceptable. The kissing was mildly tolerable as long as he didn’t accidentally catch more than three seconds of it. It was what he couldn’t see that was killing him. His imagination was his worst possible enemy. So here James was. Standing in front of the door to his room like he had for the past ten minutes, figuring out his options.

It was a Hogsmeade weekend and Sirius and Remus had decided to stay behind. Together. James had tried unsuccessfully to not think about the implications of that, and went on by himself to Hogsmeade, but Hogsmeade by yourself was just not the same as Hogsmeade with your friends. Bored without them, James decided to return earlier than usual, but froze at the door when he heard the muffling sound of laughter.

“You can’t stay staring at the door forever, James.” He reminded himself and with a deep breath grabbed the doorknob and turned it. “I’m coming in! If you are doing something that will scar me for life I suggest you stop and step away from each other. I’m keeping my eyes closed for the next ten seconds. One. Two-”

“You can open your eyes, you dolt,” Sirius laughed.

James carefully opened one eye then the other, and to his relief Sirius was sitting on one end of the bed while Remus sat on the other. He wondered how much more he could take of this. “I can’t believe you traded our last Hogsmeade weekend for hanging out in a room.”

“It’s hard to be alone on Hogsmeade,” Sirius cut in with a playful smirk.

James cursed his imagination once more for the mental picture the words gave him, the goose bumps rolling up his arm. He often wished he didn’t have such reactions, rationally he had no problem at all with Sirius pairing up with Remus. He could tell their feelings were honest, he could tell it made them happy, but all the tradition and culture forced upon him pushed away those thoughts and before he could think his mouth moved. “That’s disgusting! Please, I do not need to see that in my head.”

You are such a complete idiot, James Potter.

Nothing was worse than to see your best mates faces fall like that and know it was entirely your fault.

Sirius was visibly angry. He rose from the bed and grabbed Remus hand and pulled him away.

“We are going to go be disgusting somewhere else then,” he told James as they walked past him and out the door.

James stood there stupidly two seconds too long. “You know I didn’t mean it!” he yelled after them, chasing them. He reached the common room, but Sirius and Remus where nowhere to be found. They’ll be back, James told himself. By then he would have thought of a proper apology, until then he would have to settle for feeling like the guilty idiot he was.

\---

“What is this place?”

Sirius looked down to Remus as he asked. “Some secret passage. I found it while roaming one night. Still haven’t told James about it.”

“Where does it go?”

“No idea. Never got to far in.”

Remus smiled and squeezed Sirius hand tighter as they went along the small cavern like passage with it’s unknown destination.

Sirius sighed. “You know James didn’t mean that right?”

Remus nodded. “I know. Still hurt thou.”

“Yeah… He’ll come around, we just have to be patient.”

Remus nodded, unsure what to say. He didn’t know James like Sirius did, but if Sirius said James would stop being weird around them, then he had no reason not to believe him.  
“We could always stop holding hands and stuff around him.”

“No!” Sirius’ whole body stood rigid and Remus couldn’t suppress his giggle. “He was the one that said-” Sirius closed his mouth, the thought unfinished. He’s the one who said I had a crush. He said I should kiss you.

“What?” Remus asked.

“He noticed that my feelings where more than friendship even before I did.”

“Oh,” Remus lowered his gaze, feeling disappointed for some reason. “Then why-” Why does he say things that hurt us? Remus didn’t say that out loud. The subject was too solemn for him. “I wasn’t sure how I felt either,” he finally said. “About you.” About everything. “First I was afraid of you. Then I was confused by you. Now-” The words died there because Remus didn’t know the answer.

They finally reached what looked to be an exit from the cramped tunnel. They had ended up in the hallway that led to Dumbledore’s office. Sirius looked pleased and produced a notepad from his robes.

“What are you writing?” Remus asked, curious.

“Just making notes,” Sirius answered cryptically, still smiling with satisfaction.

Remus was still thinking about their conversation in the tunnel. “How do you feel?”

“Excellent! This is the fifth secret passage we found, now we can-”

“Not about the tunnel,” Remus shook his head. “About me.” Remus had told Sirius about his feelings. Or at least tried to, but he didn’t know anything about how Sirius felt. Sure, Sirius kissed him and acted affectingly toward him, but he couldn’t even recall a single word that reflected that affection.

Sirius seemed to bite his lip and Remus would have agreed to pretty much anything to hear his thoughts. “You make me feel funny in the chest,” Sirius said finally. Remus just tilted his head, confused.

“If the only thing I do is make you feel funny in the chest-” Remus was clearly disappointed and he turned to leave.

“Hold on,” Sirius grabbed Remus wrist, preventing him from leaving. “I like that you make me feel funny,” he added. “Right here,” he pointed to the center of his chest. “It’s stronger when I touch you-”

Sirius reached out and touched Remus cheek. Remus felt the flush of embarrassment rush over him, Sirius palm against his cheek warmer than before, “Sirius…”

“-And when I kiss you,” Sirius leaned in.

It was more than fun kissing Sirius, Remus thought. Every time Sirius lips touched his he could smell his scent, a lovely mixture of woods and Quidditch. Why had he ever wanted words when he had this.

“When you boys catch some air, would you mind informing me how you got here?”

Remus half died then. Partly out of fright, the other, embarrassment.

Sirius jumped back reactively. Putting some space between them. Not that it mattered. His foot hit the edge of the wall and along with it his balance. Remus reached out but it was too late. One boy scared half to death the other sprawled on the floor like a rabbit that has just seen a big bad wolf. At any other moment Sirius would have found this situation hilarious, but all he could think was, oh bugger bugger bugger. We are so expelled.

Professor Dumbledore spared them a careful glance then turned and went on his way. “The passion of youth is unprecedented, but don’t allow it to cloud your way,” he commented out loud to the himself it seemed, but the boys clearly heard it.

Remus and Sirius stood frozen in place until the footsteps were gone. When he was certain the coast was clear Sirius spoke, “I have no idea what that meant.”

Remus looked at him then laughed with relief. “I thought we were goners,” he admitted grabbing Sirius hand and helping him up.

“It’s official,” Sirius grinned. “Professor Dumbledore is my favorite professor.”

“I think mine too,” Remus added and smiled up at Sirius.

Sirius licked his lips. “Where were we?” He put his hands on Remus shoulders and leaned in.

Remus ducked out of the way. “Not here,” he said, “we might not get lucky again.”

Sirius nuzzled Remus behind his ear, pouted, then sighed, “I hate when you're right.”

Remus smiled and wondered when this had become normal to him. Sirius face so close to his, his lips against his skin. Being cherished that way was something that he never thought was meant for him.

“When is the next full moon?” Sirius asked, and just like that the spell was broken. Remus frowned slightly but not so much that Sirius noticed. “Four days. Last one before the year ends.”

“I can’t believe we have to start studying for exams already. I’ll probably fail some of them.”

“You always say that and yet you always seem to pass them all with flying colors.”

“That’s because of my awesome brain,” Sirius grinned.

Remus rolled his eyes and started making his way down the corridor, tugging at Sirius’s robes so he’d come along.

“Just remember you promised to stay away during the full moon. The wolf gets wilder when you’re around.”

“You say that like I should be worried, but it always sounds like a compliment.”

Remus stopped and turned around. They had this conversation already, why didn’t Sirius just understand. “I am not kidding, Sirius! I don’t know how, but somehow the wolf marked you and every time I’ve transform since that night it looks for you. That scares me.”

“You talk about the wolf as if it isn’t you.”

“Because it’s not,” Remus said as a matter of fact. Sirius wanted to contradict him, but he kept his mouth shut. This was a discussion he was going to lose.  
“I promise I’ll stay away then, but for the record I want it very clear that I disagree with your conclusion.”

Remus rolled his eyes and continued walking down the hall, a small smile on his lips. He could handle any disappointment that Sirius felt, as long as he was safe.

End 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Needed!
> 
> This story is finished. Has been for a few days, but my beta reader never returned them to me after I sent the chapters so I decided to edit and post this chapter in hopes that someone will volunteer. I suck at beta reading my own work. Basically all I need is knowledge of previous chapters, and HP slang knowledge because I pretty much forgot both.
> 
> Author's Note
> 
> Hello. So it's been a few years. Out of all my fanfiction, this is the only story that still gets regular traffic and I thought it deserved a proper ending. I stopped writing fanfiction in 2010 and decided to concentrate on my original fiction instead. Once this story is completely finished that will be the end of my fanfiction career, at least for the foreseeable future. Now I have my own characters to torture.


	17. lost

James apologized for the twentieth time while they were in the middle of studying.

Sirius slammed his head against the desk and groaned. Remus hid a smile.

"We forgave you half an hour ago," Sirius moped, searching for the paragraph he'd been reading before the interruption.

"But I'm really really sorry."

"We-for-give-you." Sirius drawled on every syllable. Hoping James would get the message. "We know you are an immense idiot and open your mouth before you actually think."

"Hey!" James pretended to be offended, but there was a smile behind his frown.

Remus was barely keeping it together, laughing quietly.

Sirius smiled pleasantly seeing Remus so happy. He nudged him on the ribs with his elbow inciting a fit of giggles.

"I thought we were going to study," James cut in. "My eyes haven't healed yet."

Sirius stopped his nudging and turned a stoned face toward James. Giving him a look that was worst than anger. A look of disappointment.

James instantly slapped a hand over his mouth. "I'm sorry," he muffled through his fingers.

"It's ok," Remus said softly, but his voice was lined with hints of hurt.

James stared at his book. "I'm really sorry. I will start thinking before I say anything stupid."

The silence stretched between the three of them. Sirius broke it. "For a change?" he said, trying to defuse the situation.

James looked up and nodded. Sirius smile was back, but it was only halfway there. They still had a long way to go, but they were getting there. James sighed, realizing things were going to be rough for a while before they got back to how things used to be. He returned to his book, and picked up where they had left off.

***

The day of the last full moon Remus had two finals to take. Defence Against the Dark Arts and Charms. It was exhausting on his mind, but nothing he couldn't handle. When Remus finished the Charms test he made his way to the library to make sure he had everything ready for his transfiguration exam the following afternoon. Why had he told Professor McGonagall that he could take the test after a full moon night was beyond him. He would barely have time to review the material before he'd be indisposed by his condition.

Sirius had been more of a distraction that he had initially thought. Particularly because every time he tried to read for any extended period of time Sirius had the inclination to jump him. So in fear that he would fail the test, Remus had put a block on any Sirius jumping for the next twenty four hours. Thankfully the library was a Sirius free jumping zone.

Hours later Remus's worry had considerably gone down, he had made a good dent on his reviewing when he realized he had left half his notes back at Gryffindor. Remus considered the pros and cons of going back to get them. If he could afford being distracted or if he could read them in the morning hastily.

He decided for the former, because there was no way he'd have the strength in the morning to review half the material. Much less retain it. The library would stay open, and it was still an hour until he had to go to the shack. He had time to go and come back.

Remus started making his way back to Gryffindor thinking which ways could he avoid Sirius for the five minutes it took for him to sneak in, get his book and sneak back out. There was no doubt that Sirius was likely hanging out in the common room, hence unavoidable.

Remus stopped mid step. Looked around his surroundings and frowned. Why the hell was he in the dungeons? Had he taken the wrong staircase without noticing? Remus shook his head, he had lost valuable time already. He started making his way back when out of nowhere a pair of hands grabbed him from behind, pushed him inside a room, then locked the door.

***

Sirius was lounging on a chair in the common room while James made notes for the Transfiguration final. Notes, Sirius knew, he would have access to as soon as they were ready. Not that he needed them, he had read the material twice over and almost knew it by heart. Transfiguration had become increasingly more interesting in the past few weeks.

"Remus said he was studying in the library right?" James asked.

"Yup," Sirius rolled his head against the back of the chair.

"Then he forgot half his notes because I just found them." James flashed a stack of papers. Sirius ears perked up and rose from the chair, snatching the stack of notes.

"I'm taking these to Remus!" Sirius yelled as he ran out the common room giddily.

As Sirius made his way to the library he could have sworn he took an extra staircase but shrugged it off because he knew how to get to the library, it wasn't like he could get lost. Sirius took a look around the empty hallway he was in. Just a second ago he could have sworn he was in the right hallway on his way to the library. Then in the microsecond it took him to blink everything had changed. The familiar replaced with the unfamiliar.

"What the heck?" Sirius muttered to himself. Wondering what had happened for him to end up in the dungeons of all places. Sirius was about to turn back, but before he did, before he could even think of an explanation as to why he had gotten so disoriented and lost on his way to the library, two cloaked figures suddenly materialized in front of him, pulled him along and shoved him inside a dark room.

"This is a very annoying prank!" Sirius yelled at the locked door. "I may not have seen your faces, but I know who you are!" That was half a lie. Sirius had a small list of possible people, but without really seeing their faces he had no proof. "Bollocks!" He yelled again and renewed his assault on the door.

"Sirius?"

The quiet question startled Sirius to the point he thought his heart skipped quite a few beats. The fright vanished quickly though, because just a few paces from where he was, visible by the pale candlelight that shone in the room, stood a visibly shaken Remus. Remus who had to be on his way to the Whopping Willow in just a few minutes.

"No." Sirius shook his head.

Remus closed the space between them. He wasted no time." Please tell me you have your wand!"

Sirius patted himself, "I left it back at Gryffindor."

Remus banged at the door, his fingers itching between the crevices, hoping for an opening that wasn't there.

"Calm down," Sirius's hand had barely touch Remus's shoulder when he recoiled.

Remus shook his head and his eyes closed for a moment as he squeezed the helm of his robes. "We need a plan. I need to not be here. I need to be out. You need to knock me out."

"Remus. I am not going to hurt you."

"You have to! I cannot be conscious! I can't-" He shook his head again.

"Will the wolf be unconscious if you are?"

Remus paced to the nearest wall. "I don't know. I've never tried before. Had no reason to-"

"I can't hurt you." Sirius wanted to close the gap between them, but something stopped him.

Remus was leaning against the wall now, his head still shook no. "You have to! Otherwise I will certainly kill you."

"Someone will find us."

"What if they don't? What if-"

"Someone will. We still have time right?"

Remus leaned his body against the wall, trying to think what to do. Counting in his head how long had he really been there. How long he had left. There had to be a way to let someone know they were here. There had to be something. Something he hadn't thought of. There had-

Remus heart thumped loudly and he slid knees first to the ground.

Sirius was instantly by his side, but Remus pushed him away. "Now! Knock me out now! Hit me! Do something!"

It was such a cry that Sirius felt inclined to do what Remus wanted, but he had a second to imagine his fist landing on Remus and it was an impossibility. He shook his head. "I won't hurt you. I can't. I love you."

"Please!" Remus begged as the first pang of change hit him. He didn't hear Sirius's words, not really. He couldn't stop thinking that if something didn't happen soon, Sirius was going to die."There's no other way." Remus braced himself against the wall and with brute strength tried to slam his head on the wall.

"Don't!" Sirius held him back before he tried again. Remus felt the blood trickle down his forehead, his strength was gone. His mind and soul tittering on the edge. "It will be ok," Sirius tried to reassure, but even in his own ears it sounded like a lie.

Remus too heard the falsity in them. "It won't," he leaned against Sirius's arms. "I won't ever recover from hurting you."

Sirius tried to hug him, but another wave of change hit Remus. He pushed Sirius away and put as much space between them as possible. He heaved and bit his lower lip to prevent screaming, but it was pointless, because when the wolf came there was nothing to stop the screaming.

Sirius stared as Remus's body moved, broke, and shifted unnaturally. There was no stopping it. It was inevitable.

When it was over, shredded pieces of clothing laid scattered on the floor. Remus was gone, and all that remained in its place was a creature that heaved with every breath as it became fully aware of its surroundings. Growled and snapped as it stretched its mouth and legs. It sniffed the air and its face turned towards Sirius.

Sirius hoped to find something in its eyes, something that reflected the boy he knew. The boy he remembered sitting in the back of the classroom. The boy he noticed and couldn't stop himself from getting to know. Sirius hoped to see Remus somewhere in those eyes, but there was nothing there. Only the end. Death in the eyes of the thing the boy he loved had become.

Sirius had the confidence to be able to stop the wolf, he did. He was a Gryffindor. A strong wizard in the making. He believed he could do anything even without a wand. He wanted to believe that more than anything, but the reality was that it was a werewolf, and he was just a boy.

Sirius pressed himself against the wall while the werewolf bared his fangs. Its mouth opening with the desire to hunt. It rushed at him, closing the small distance in the blink of an eye, its mouth open, ready to bite. The most Sirius could do was brace himself and hope it would be over in an instant, but it wasn't, instead the wolf's teeth sank into his arm, pulling Sirius to the ground and all that was left was for Sirius to scream.

Then something happened.

As quickly as it had attacked, the wolf retreated, it's tongue running across its bloodied lips that were covered with Sirius's blood. The wolf shook its head then wined.

Sirius tried holding his bloodied arm as the pain exploded. He felt nauseous. A werewolf had just bitten him, but somehow he was not dead. Yet. Had the wolf decided not to hurt him? Was it going to strike again and finish what it had started?

Sirius wanted to know, but he never got the answer because the door suddenly burst open, the room flooded with light covering everything. Sirius allowed himself to fall into darkness, but before he did, he could have sworn the wolf stood between him and the flooding light.

End 17


	18. changes

Gazing  
by Myka  
Chapter 18 – 'change'  
Pairing: Sirius/Remus

\---

Remus woke with a jolt. The remains of a nightmare still lingering in his memory, except the nightmare had been real. He had really been locked in a room with Sirius when he transformed, and the last thing he remembered was Sirius strong facet slowly morph into fear. What had happened?  
“Stay still, Mr. Lupin.”  
Remus stepped out further from the fog of the nightmare to realize there were people standing by his bedside. Pomfrey and James.  
“Where’s Sirius? What happened? Is he-” Remus choked at the very thought of it, he quickly glanced around the room and saw just empty beds. The grief was instant and excruciating. “I killed him, didn't I?” He suddenly couldn't breathe. Everything was constricting, the bed, the sheets, the hands trying to calm him.  
“He needs a sedative. I’ll be back in a minute.” Pomfrey walked out of the room, leaving Remus with James.  
“He’s dead isn't he? I-” Remus couldn't say the word again. Why was he awake, why had he woken up? This was worse than the night he stumbled into the woods outside his house, tricked by a false call only to find the teeth of the monster that did this to him. Worst than the first time his parents put chains around his wrist and locked him in a room sealed with spells so he couldn't get out. Sirius’ blood on his hands made him want to die. “I should be put down.”  
“Hey!” James yelled, and placed both his hands on Remus’ shoulders, holding him down. “No, Remus. No.” James hands on his shoulders were steady. They reconnected Remus with the world. “Sirius is not dead.”  
“He’s not?” Remus waited for the feeling of relief, but it didn't come. The pain at his chest lingered. He needed to see for himself. He needed to see Sirius walking, talking, smiling. “Then where is he? Why is-”  
The doors to the infirmary opened. “Speak of the devil-” James rolled his eyes and stepped aside.  
The relief was instant. Remus felt the knot on his chest loosened and he wanted to touch Sirius to make sure he was real. It was a need that made no sense, but Remus cared little for sense right now. He pushed the bed sheets aside, something Pomfrey would never have allowed if she’d been in the room. The floor was cold on his bare feet, and the first step he made was clumsy and weak. James was there to help, but Remus just waved his hand away. He wanted to do this himself. He kept his hands on the bed to keep himself steady, and before he made a fool of himself by falling into a heap on the floor with his unsteady feet Sirius was there offering his body for support. Remus clung to the warmth of Sirius body like he needed air. It made every ache melt away.  
“The last thing I want to see is you falling to the floor,” Sirius said smoothly. Like nothing had happened. Like Remus hadn’t almost killed him the night before. Speaking of which — how had Sirius stopped him? A million questions swam in Remus’s mind. Questions that vanished when he looked up and saw Sirius smile. As long as Sirius was smiling, everything was right with the world.  
And then he saw it.  
The white gauze tightly wrapped around Sirius’s right arm.  
The anguish came back tenfold. Somehow this was even more horrible. “I hurt you.” It wasn’t a question. Sirius knew that. Remus couldn’t keep the tears in any longer. He wasn’t strong enough. The grief and regret poured out of him in cries, because it was too much to articulate in words.  
“It’s okay—” Sirius tried to sooth him.  
“No it isn't! I marked you. I cursed you!”  
“Oy! I’ll have none of that. You blaming yourself will fix nothing. Only make you feel bad when we should be happy because it could have been worse.”  
“Like me killing and eating you?”  
“For one. That would have really soured my Sunday plans.”  
“The only thing you ever plan for Sunday is sleeping.”  
“Exactly.”  
Remus had to laugh. It was too nonsensical not too, but the horror of their present reality crawled back to his thoughts and soon Remus was on the verge of tears again.  
“Why is my patient standing?” Pomfrey’s loud yet still somewhat gentle tone eased some of the tension lingering in the air. “And you, Mr. Black. I thought I made it very clear the headmaster wanted to speak with you.”  
“I did, ma’am.” Sirius helped Remus back on the bed.  
Remus shook his head. “I’m fine. I don’t want to lie down again. I can’t be bedridden just because I transform every month.” Remus said in front of everyone.  
If it surprised Pomfrey to know Remus had shared his secret with classmates her face didn’t show it. Sirius helped Remus sit on the chair next to bed instead, so his legs could take a break.  
For a while everyone tried to ignore the elephant in the room, but Remus couldn’t stop staring at Sirius, specifically the bandage on his arm. “I need to speak with Dumbledore,” he announced nonchalantly.  
“I already spoke with him,” Sirius scratched his nose.  
“What did he say? What are you going to do about—” Remus swallowed and pointed at the bandage. “—that. What do I have to do about it? What is my punishment? I need to know.”  
Sirius opened his mouth then quickly closed it. He leaned against the bed and his entire body language changed. From relaxed to upset. “I wanted to pretend a little longer that everything was going to be ok.”  
“So you are going to turn?” Remus imagined what happened to him every month happening to Sirius and he didn’t like it. “We have to tell my parents. We have to tell your parents.”  
“Stop.” Sirius crossed his arms around his body. ”My parents are the last people that need to know about this. They will use this to destroy everything that makes me happy here and your family would pay a price too high. Never. If they discover I was bitten I will lie and say I skipped class and left school grounds. If I turn they will disown me for sure so problem solved. I won’t have to deal with them after that.”  
The room was very quiet after Sirius’s outburst. At least there was one possible outcome they knew what to do about. One thing Remus knew what to do about, because even if he knew that —logically — it wasn't his fault. That he hadn't locked himself and Sirius inside a room on purpose. That he had tried everything in his power to control what was happening. Even if he was aware of those things he still couldn't shake the guilt on his shoulders.  
It was almost a reprieve of that guilt when Dumbledore finally came into the infirmary. His calm demeanor taking over the room. Finally Remus would get some answers.  
“I am sorry,” Remus muttered even before Dumbledore spoke a word.  
“This is not a light situation indeed. It is rather grave.” Remus hunched as if the words pressed against his shoulders. “Yet we need only apologize for things that are under our control.”  
“Yes, Professor. Someone locked us in.”  
“Mr. Black has given me the details already and while disciplining the proper parties is a necessity. Right now I can tell your only concern is that bite on Mr. Blacks’s arm.”  
“Yes.” Remus didn't hesitate and the guilt that made him hunch over the chair lessen a little.  
“I've given him every possible concoction available to try and prevent a transmission of the infection,” Poppy cut in. She was holding a tray with at least twelve vials on it. “Now if you’ll excuse me I just got a call from the Potions classroom, they are in need of these.” She held the tray a little higher then walked out of the infirmary.  
“Wait.” Remus straightened up on the chair. “So Sirius won’t become a werewolf?”  
“Is that the only thing you were worried about?” Sirius asked, jumping in the conversation.  
“Not the only thing,” Remus admitted, thought in reality it had almost been the only thing he was worried about. Punishment he could deal with. Getting expelled would hurt him terribly, but he would get over it with time. Condemning Sirius to his form of life was something he couldn't even grasp.  
And the truth was something Remus didn't want.  
“Even with all the precautions—” Dumbledore started speaking, but Sirius cut him off.  
“I want to tell him,” Sirius said for a moment looking older. Deflated. Dumbledore nodded. Remus shook his head because he already knew the words that would come out of Sirius mouth. The answer to the question that had been lingering between them like a dark bubble.  
Sirius took a deep breath. “You know. Those medicines they made me take tasted horrible,” he tried to joke, but the bubble had already been scratched, “but they can only do so much.” Sirius scratched his bandaged arm. “There is still a chance that next full moon I will turn into a werewolf.”  
The bubble burst and the little string of hope Remus had been holding to broke. Now there was no hope. Only waiting.

\---

Classes ended unceremoniously and soon they found themselves on the train back home. Remus had received no punishment from the incident. Only encouragement from the Pomfrey and Dumbledore because they knew, and reassurance from Sirius and James that everything was going to be fine. Remus only wished he’d stayed so positive.  
Pomfrey tried to heal Sirius’s wound to the best of her expertise and tried to make it look something other than what it originally was. Even if they differed on what to do. Almost all of them agreed that the truth was something that needed to be altered for Sirius’s parents.  
Sirius had wanted to go straight to Remus’ or James’ house after the year ended, but that was something his parents wouldn't immediately allow.  
“They already distrust me because I ended in Gryffindor. At most I can convince them to run off to James house in a week, two tops.”  
Remus was very aware that Sirius hadn't said his house. He also knew why. While Sirius was forming his plan he always included James or Remus’s houses as possible places to go to. Then one day he just mentioned James’ house. Remus had asked why and Sirius had revealed that he had sent a letter to his parents to ‘test the waters’ as they say and instead of getting the usual annoyance he got from his parents, what he got was a strongly worded letter saying that Sirius’ father was aware that a member of the Lupin family was a werewolf and that there was no way in hell Sirius would be allowed to visit such a family.  
“What if they don’t let you stay over?” James was sitting across from them on the train. “I’m sure nothing will happen, but you still need to be—” James frowned. “—you know. Locked up.” James hated saying the words. Remus flinched at hearing them.  
“I’ll deal with that if it happens.”  
It was a grim situation whichever way you looked at it and in reality their options were pretty limited. Dumbledore said he would do whatever he could to convince Sirius’s parents to let him stay over at James house during the full moon, and Poppy reassured them she would be there to help. That was the plan and Remus couldn't help feeling left out even if it was done as best they could. He couldn't shake the feeling that he wanted to be with Sirius that night. To reassure him. In case something happened. Or to celebrate. In case nothing happened. It all sounded pretty stupid once Remus thought about it. No matter how he saw it, he wouldn't be able to reassure Sirius or celebrate with him. Because unlike Sirius — who still lingered on the maybe — when the moon struck, Remus could not be there.

\---

“Ugh,” Sirius groaned when the train finally pulled into platform 9¾. He was looking out the window. “My mom came to pick us up.”  
Remus found an expressionless elegant looking woman standing behind all the other parents. “You look like her,” Remus said when he couldn't think of anything else. He browsed through the crowd and spotted his cheery parents waiting patiently. They certainly had been happier since Remus had gone to school. Some worry off their shoulders. Remus didn't blame them at all. The train emptied slowly until they were almost the last ones on the train.  
“Well,” James said standing up. “Time to face the music for almost failing potions. You’ll send me post, right Sirius? Let me know when you are staying over I’ll prep my parents in the meantime.”  
“Sure,” they shook hands and James left the compartment, but not before popping his head back in for a second and reminding Remus to exchange letters with him as well.  
It made Remus a little happier.  
“I can see my mom getting grumpy. Better get a move on.” Sirius reached out, touched Remus’s hand briefly and Remus couldn't stop himself.  
“It’s ok you know,” he burst out. Realizing he’d been keeping the dark thoughts in all this time.  
“Ok what?” Sirius tilted his head.  
“It’s ok if you never want to speak to me again. We only kissed a few times and it’s not like—”  
“Not like I’m your boyfriend?” Sirius chipped in.  
Remus nodded and looked once again back at the crowd of families reuniting. A view that was suddenly blocked when Sirius close the curtain.  
“I see,” Sirius said, and Remus could tell he was hiding a smile. The back of Sirius’s knuckles touched Remus’ cheek. “Guess I better make that clear then.”  
The kiss was softer than the one under the tree. Gentler than the one in the shadow of the wall. Deeper than all the little ones that came before and absolutely more meaningful.  
“You want to be my boyfriend, Remus?” Sirius whispered against his lips and Remus only nodded fiercely.  
Sirius laughed and kissed Remus again. Footsteps at the end of the car broke them apart and Sirius grabbed his trunk. “I’ll expect lots of letters then,” he said. “I’ll try my hardest to see you over summer.”  
Remus nodded. Still unable to talk. If he did he would surely say something silly like I love you. Because he didn’t know if he did. Was he in love? Remus shrugged. Feeling happy for the first time in days. The guilt finally suppressed by Sirius’ kiss.

\---

Hours and days dragged with an interminable slowness. Dumbledore had informed Remus’ parents about the incident with Sirius and it was pretty much the only thing they talked about. It was putting Remus into a depression, especially since he hadn’t received a single letter from Sirius and only one from James that said Sirius was still with his parents.  
Remus wanted more than anything to go to James’ house and wait for Sirius, because at least James could exchange letters with Sirius openly. Remus couldn’t even do that.  
“No.” Remus’ parents had been very strict about it. “Not until after the full moon.” From their point of view, James’s family would have enough trouble with one teenager possibly turning into a werewolf. They certainly didn’t need two.  
So Remus could do nothing but wait and hope for the best.

\---

The first letter arrived three days after Remus had made it back home. James owl, Pedge, had delivered the letter, but it was Sirius’ handwriting on the paper.  
 **Remus,  
** **I am still at my parent’s house. I’m still trying to convince them to let me visit James’ house, but they still say no. It is frustrating. I am not sure what to do about it, but I’ll think of something.  
 **My father was not happy when he found out I was hurt. At first I thought I would get away with it, because my mother ignored the bandage around my arm, pretended like it **wasn’t there. Even after Regulus pointed it out and asked about it on the ride home, she said nothing. She was just waiting for my father to deal with it. He started getting **mad and demanding an explanation, because he wasn’t happy with the lie I had given him. Lucky for me just in the middle of his tirade the doorbell rang and guess who it **was? Professor Dumbledore! I’m not sure how he knows these things, but I’m glad he does, because he saved my neck for sure.  
 **My parents have calmed down a little since then, but they still refuse to let me go to James’ house. I hope they do soon.  
 **I miss you.  
 **Sirius.****************

\---

After that first letter, they kept coming in sporadically. One day there would be no letters, then suddenly there was two. Remus tried to write back as frequently as possible, but sometimes he had no advice to give, and his vocabulary of encouraging words was growing thin. There was an indisputable element of panic, when another day passed and another letter arrived that revealed that Sirius was still at his house with his family. The fact that all their correspondence had to use James as an intermediary made it even slower. Remus could have sworn that Pedge started glaring at him after the first week.  
Remus was finishing the latest letter. It was similar to all the others. With phrases like everything will be all right and I will help you, but as he started folding it, Remus had a change of heart and tossed it aside. He got a new parchment and started writing a new letter. This would likely be the last letter Sirius got before the full moon. Time had run out.  
Remus didn’t have any niceties to say anymore, instead he wrote about what happened to him during his first full moon. How his parents had to seek outside help, not knowing that the man they hired to help Remus go through his first night was not the supporting werewolf handler he seemed, but a man that got a kick at seeing werewolves suffer. How the man had used shackles tainted with silver to tie Remus to the basement floor, and no matter how much Remus cried that it hurt, the man kept reassuring his parents that it was normal.  
Remus had suffered through that and still made it, he lived a life many thought of as unlivable, and he was happy he did so because otherwise he may have not been sitting in a classroom at Hogwarts when Sirius stood up and came to talk to him.  
Remus didn't think too much before folding the letter, tossing it in an envelope and handing it to the family owl, Seb. As he saw it fly away he felt that instant of double guessing himself, but it was too late. The letter was gone, and Remus could do nothing but go back inside his house and wait for a reply.

\---

Sirius finally got permission from his father to visit James’ house the day of the full moon. It had taken everything in his power to act calm and collected during those days even as the deadline grew closer and closer.  
The relief of finally being somewhere safe, with people that would help him, made him accept his coming reality. That he was only a few hours away from finding out if his life was about to change.  
He was terrified. He had seen Remus shift into a werewolf. How horrible it was. He’d seen the bloody aftermath. So much pain.  
The bite on his arm still looked nasty, but it was healing and Pomfrey had said it was a good sign. She had arrived here before Sirius and was even spending the night to help him. Just like James and James’ family. So many people there willing to help him. It made Sirius feel a little less scared from his predicament.  
The other thing that helped were Remus’ letters. They had been one of the few things that helped Sirius keep his panic in check as he waited. He lost count how many letters they had exchanged, but they were all safely tugged away in his trunk in James’ room. The last letter though — that one had been hard to read. He had imagined everything Remus had written about and he felt an amount of rage he didn't even know was in him.  
It had taken Sirius almost an hour to write a response. He didn't know if it was the right response, or the wrong one. It was just the truth. Taking a glance at the clock, he held the  
sealed letter between his fingertips and made his way to the owlery.

\---

“Are you really putting shackles on your wrists?” James asked. They were in James’ room. Sirius had just given the letter he had written for Remus to Pedge and saw it fly away.  
“I have to, Pomfrey said it’s too dangerous otherwise.”  
“But Remus doesn’t shackle himself. He just goes to the shack and stays there all night.”  
Sirius thought about that and he just pictured how Remus was always so hurt in the mornings and how now he knew the reason Remus refused to be shackled. He almost said something about it to James, but he suddenly felt without energy — drained. He didn’t feel like answering, didn’t feel like doing anything.  
Sirius made his way sluggishly down the stairs all the way to the cellar, ignoring James’ questions. Pomfrey was standing by the far wall next to James’ dad. He had helped set up the temporary restraints. Sirius wanted to stop walking. He had been so stupid to even remotely think that being a werewolf might be cool. It was scary, horrible, and it made him feel less like a human being.  
James’s dad said something to him, but it just sounded like white noise. Sirius didn’t react when James’ dad grabbed his wrists gently and put the shackles around them.  
“Don’t be scared,” Pomfrey’s voice was comforting. “You have showed no signs of changing, I’m sure everything will be fine.”  
“If the shackles had silver they would hurt, right?”  
Pomfrey gave him a strange look. “Some, but I would never allow something like that, even if it’s just to test your reaction.”  
Sirius sat on the floor, ready to wait. James waved goodbye, then gave him a thumps up before he and his dad left. Pomfrey stayed behind.  
“Don’t you have to leave?” Sirius asked.  
“I’m certain I do not need to.” Sirius wished he was as hopeful, but the more seconds that passed, the more he felt the panic rise. “Just a few more minutes.” Sirius closed his eyes. “Do you feel any pain?”  
“No.”  
“It’s almost over.”  
Sirius tried counting the seconds in his head, but they just dragged and dragged endlessly. He no longer had a concept of time, just the sound of his heart thumping loudly in his ears. He tried recognizing if anything felt different, but nothing did. He just felt like himself. Worried, terrified, and trapped, but just himself.  
“Mr. Black?”  
Sirius kept his eyes closed.  
“You can open your eyes now.”  
Sirius did. Pomfrey was smiling.  


\---

Remus woke up in his bed sore from the night before. His full moon nights were always better at home. He and his parents had it down to an almost perfect science. Remus ran down the stairs to an empty first floor. His parents always slept in after a full moon, they took turns watching over Remus and at the crack of dawn they would pick him up, wash him, and take him to his room.  
Remus was halfway through the living room, where Seb was resting on its perch, when Pedge flew in from the window, tossing a letter in Remus’s hands then resting next to Seb as it glared at Remus and caught its breath.  
Remus didn't waste any time opening the letter. Hoping to read good news. That Sirius hadn't transformed, that everything was fine, but all of Remus’ hopes were dashed when he saw the date of the letter and only two words scribbled on it.  
 **I’m scared.**  
Remus felt the urge to cry. Multiple reasons colliding into one. That he wasn't there to help Sirius, that it was his fault Sirius was scared in the first place, but before that sense of despair took him to dark places, there was a knock on the door and Remus ran to open it.  
Sirius was standing there. His hair so disheveled it was standing funny in many places. Sweating like he’d just been running, and with the biggest smile Remus had ever seen.  
Sirius wasted no time wrapping his arms around Remus.  
“I didn't transform. I’m not a werewolf.”  
His laugh was so contagious Remus could not help but laugh himself even if he felt that tinge of loneliness because he was still the only one that became a monster. Remus pushed the nasty thought aside, it was normal to feel that way, but now was not the time to ponder about that. Now was the time to be happy, there was no room to be sad, even if it was a tiny fraction. Besides, Sirius happiness was infectious.

\---

It was a memorable summer. Remus had always imagined what it would be like to spend a summer with friends. It was more than he expected. More fun if he put it into words, and more meaningful because Sirius was more than just a friend. Sneaking kisses under trees or whenever James got distracted enough. Everything was always more fun when he was with them. To the point where he was actually looking forward for the new school term to begin.  
“I’m going to ask Dumbledore if we can all move to the same room.” Sirius said casually as they were eating the berries they’d just picked.  
“That’s a great idea!” James mumbled with a mouth full of berries. It sounded more like Bhata grat iphea.  
Remus didn’t want to be a downer, but he couldn’t help himself. “I thought room assignments where permanent.”  
“I’ll take care of that!” Sirius took another mouthful with his branded arm. He didn’t have to wear a bandage anymore. The scar was a soft shade of pink, and would be barely visible once school started.  
“Am tak cor toof!” James repeated the enthusiasm, and Remus could see the silent plotting between them. He couldn’t help feel a little excited, but that nitpicky side of his brain wouldn’t let him feel entirely hopeful. Besides, even if they don’t room together they’d still take almost all their classes together, they’d see each other every day. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if they didn’t sleep in the same room.  
Sirius was naming all the pranks they could prepare with extra plotting time. James was talking about making a map of Hogwarts. Remus listened to them as he ate more berries and allowed himself to dream what could be as well.

\---

Remus smiled to himself.  
Sirius pushed Remus’ trunk to the bed closest to his, grinning the entire time. James was looking for something in his trunk when they heard a knock on the door.  
“That must be the new roommate,” James closed his trunk and headed for the door. Sirius was still debating where to put the frame with the picture they had taken over the summer. The one with James, Remus and himself, all smiling and dirty from a long day of mischief, when James returned with their new roommate.  
Remus had seen this boy before. Once in a ride back from Hogsmeade.  
The selfish side of him wished a little that they didn’t require a fourth roommate so that he wouldn’t have to hide his secret, but who knows. Maybe one day this boy will be their friend too, know his secret, and keep it safe.  
Sirius stepped next to him as James helped the new boy settle in. “Short for a 4th year wouldn’t you say?” he teased.  
“That’s what you see because you are freakishly tall.”  
“Don’t blame me. Blame my growth spurt over the summer.”  
Remus laughed, and Sirius followed. “Guess we better introduce ourselves,” Sirius said, brushing his knuckles against the back of Remus’s hand with affection.  
Remus couldn’t help but smile at the thought. He imagined it all. Growing up. Graduating. Moving away from his parent’s home and into the city. He and Sirius could get a flat together. Get jobs. Sirius could be anything he wanted to be. Even work for the DMLE. Maybe Remus could teach. They would share their lives, see James get married and have kids. Everyday sharing as much as they could until they grew old and death called to them. Remus saw the visions behind his eyelids, the smile never leaving his lips. Maybe he could have a happy life after all. With friends that understood him. With friends that cared about him. And Sirius.  
Remus reached the others. Sirius nodded once at the boy and turned toward Remus, his smile widening. “This is Remus Lupin.” Sirius introduced him.  
The boy nodded, his hands shaking slightly. He offered one hand and Remus took it. Shook it. The boy finally spoke.  
“I’m Peter Pettigrew.”  


\---

Gazing End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The last fanfiction I will published in the foreseeable future. Thanks everyone who stuck around until the end.
> 
> If you want to check out my free original stories visit ashlyndaube.com. More info on my profile.


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